Houston, We Have A Problem

20 03 2012

Ok, I accepted my diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder when it was given to me, didn’t like it, but I accepted it. Me being me, I did some research and… that’s where things get difficult, mostly because there’s very little information out there, but also because what’s out there can be contradictory.

As it is with the vast majority of the western world, my first stop was Wikipedia and here’s what they have to say about NPD. Reading this out to those who know me gets a vociferous agreement as to its accuracy. There is, however, a problem with this description. If you’ve been reading this for a while then you’ll know that my self esteem is pretty low, as in really low. In the description, it points towards a narcissist having good, albeit fragile, self esteem.

Something is definitely not right here.

The great thing with having a Cluster B diagnosis is that when one diagnosis fails, you have three more to fall back on. So if Narcissistic is out, what about Antisocial? Doesn’t fit because I don’t really have a big issue with the rights of others. Histrionic? Certainly a better fit than Antisocial but I’ve tended to be quite reserved with others depending on my mood and how comfortable I feel with them. This makes life a little bit sketchy with this diagnosis.And that leaves us with every womans worst diagnostic nightmare (because it’s usually a default “We don’t care anymore so here’s a diagnosis means we can ignore you” type diagnosis for women), Borderline.

So do I have the Womans Curse? No, I don’t mean a period, I mean a diagnosis which blights the life of a lot of women in the mental health field. It’s possible, I mean there are, as with the other diagnoses, some traits which are there, although I lack one of the more core items, namely the compulsion to self harm or attempt suicide. Yes, I have had suicide ideation for many years but does that count?

So why do I have a personality disorder in the first place? Due to my behaviour and my lack of empathy. This, of course, leads us to question what is empathy? When you look at it like that, it makes you pretty certain of my lack of empathy, although I will disagree with the language used applying to me. The part about it being about being “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others” doesn’t really work because I feel that I’m unable to as I haven’t learned to rather than I’m unwilling to. Hell, I’d like to understand things like that as it’d make life a damn sight easier for me.

So where are we now? Hmm, this is a tough one, I think the only progress made so far is that I am less certain of the diagnosis of NPD. Unfortunately there’s too little to go and and the options are too varied for me to say about any other diagnosis with any real degree of certainty. Yes, I’m still clinging onto the heory of bipolar, especially with the meds theory stroking my cerebrum with it’s gentle fingers, but hey ho, who knows? I guess this means I’m commited to meeting with the psychology department at my CMHT in order to figure this shit out, maybe (dare I say it?) once and for all. We shall see.

PS I did look at other sites other than good old Wiki to make these decisions, but I only linked to Wiki because they’re cool and easier to read, oh and cover more ground than the rest.




2 responses

20 03 2012

Here is my diagnosis: I think you are awesome.

This trumps any DSM-IV criteria.

Much love from your American cyber wife.


20 03 2012

Hey 🙂

Not sure I’d agree with the awesome label, “alright” may be acceptable but I’m dubious on awesome.

And if you’re my cyber wife, when do I get my conjugal rights? 😉

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