The Cause Of And Solution To All Lifes Problems

20 03 2012

That’s how Homer J Simpson described alcohol. For me it’s a lubricant, it makes the slope so slippy I can’t keep my step and so we end up with the point at which I find myself. I’m easy to get drunk and if I set my mind to it I can get very drunk very easily, which I have, and possibly I watched the wrong (or right depending on your view) film.

Ok, this isn’t going to be the most fun post I’ve ever made but hey, why would I write it if it was?

The film I just watched was Trust which is about the effect of internet grooming on a family. In my opinion this is David Schwimmers (yes, Ross from Friends) directorial high point at this time. I rented this film because I had faith in the lead star, Clive Owen, because his work has been so good (excluding Killer Elite which was a rubbish film). I wasn’t quite prepared for such a gritty and insightful film. As hard as it is to say this, I loved this film. It’s hard to say you love this film because the subject matter is so hard to deal with and the film reaches no real hollywood style happy ending. Hell, you listen to the song which covers the credits and it’s hard not to be moved. Schwimmer doesn’t even make apology for the silence necessary to cover the rest of the credits when the song ends by filling in with incidental music, and nor should he. Very much worth a look as long as the subject material isn’t too triggering for you.

So where does this leave us? Quite possibly in the region of inappropriate conduct. Ok, the whole internet grooming is not something I know about, I’ve nothing against young adults learning about this stuff but it sure as hell won’t be me to instruct them on such topics. Not a cowards way out, I’m just the least appropriate person I know of to do such a thing. However, I do have a habit, particularly when drunk, to engage in inappropriate behaviour. This isn’t fun for me to admit and I hate myself for it, but it happens. Hell, I know myself well enough that I misinterpret signs of affection for whatever fucked up reason I have. I have no issue with spotting no, but I think I have an issue when it comes to spotting yes.

That makes me feel like scum. I can’t tell you how shitty I feel about myself for admitting this and for being the subject of such dickhead behaviour. As such I can only say that if you feel uncomfortable around me then fucking well say so because I flirt my ass off with no real expectation of it getting me anywhere because I have zero confidence in me getting anywhere with it. I am shit and I know this (please don’t say I’m not because I genuinely will not believe you). I hate who I am, I hate where I am, the only thing that gives me hope are my friends which may give you an insight into why I may go a little far in my reactions to negative input. Just reminds me of how fucked up I am.

Shit. This is unlikely to be one of my better posts but watch the film Trust if you can, Say no whenever you feel uncomfortable. Oh, and I lost my virginity when I was 11 which probably tells you more than any other moment of rambling I have to offer. Beyond that, listen to this piece of music which was that piece from the credits of Trust.

Much love to all and much more than that appologies to anyone I’ve ever offended.

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2 responses

22 03 2012
Rachael Black

Oh Steven sounds like we’re peas in a pod. I describe myself as an Egomaniac with Low Self Esteem.
Same problem with booze -so I try to keep it to a minimum. Sometimes it is all that will blot out the hell.
There have been numerous studies linking bi-polar disorder with increased alcoholism.
They just should have called me, or my dad, or you. Duh.

Gotta see the film. Wonder if it’s on Netflix streaming. Have never heard of it, but you’ve never steered me wrong my dear!
Have you seen Leaving Las Vegas? Aiiii talk about painful.
xo

22 03 2012
NullFuture

Ahh, but I don’t have bipolar according to my docs now but let’s not delve into that again.

For me, the alcohol stops the thoughts from racing because sometimes they go so fast as to be an almost static like blur. Yes, sometimes I drink to stop me thinking a particular way, to take away my worries but, like yourself, I do try for moderation, weighing up if it’s a need or a compulsion. I still wouldn’t mind investigating the use of booze as a potential medication.

I have to admit that the film doesn’t really have a happy ending and that Clive Owen, great actor that he is, is only in the film because of the directors liking for Brit talent. Hope you like it anyway. As for Leaving Las Vegas, very apt story, a technique I’ve tried at least once (and freely admitted to). See, we like the way each other thinks.

Talk soon x

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