Vroom Vroom

4 05 2012

It’s been a little while since I last blogged, again this is down to my lack of anything worth saying really. I have one or two things going on but nothing thrilling so don’t expect thrilling conversation/blogging.

So what’s been going on? Well, two things really; I have been assessed by a psychologist and I have taken the first steps towards driving. All of which is progress but, as befits me, there’s a caveat or two.

With regards to the assessment, it was only a partial assessment as these things normally take a few sessions to see if things are good or not. I honestly have no idea if anything of use was achieved but then it’s early days so we shall see. In theory I should be making notes as I struggle to raise salient points in an actual conversation. Yes, I really am one of those people who end a conversation/discussion/interaction and a few minutes afterwards think of something that could have been important.

Anyway, things to take away from it was that I like the psychologist as she isn’t terribly interested in diagnosis, she looks at it more as dealing with the issues and a diagnosis is immaterial to that really. Also, I need to write notes to discuss in order to make the most of the time. Finally, I’m a little proud of myself for not pressing on the whole diagnosis thing, yes it matters to me in a way but when it comes to it, I just want things to not be as shit as they are. Considering I usually get a bit intense about it then not doing so is a step forward.

Just as a nod towards how things are still shit, I’m self medicating on a daily basis (I love you cider! *hic*) although you needn’t be too worried as I continue to be a lightweight which means it’s only a couple of units a day. As self medication goes it’s hardly pushing the boat out but considering my normal alcohol consumption has gone from 2-3 units a week to 2-3 units a day, you get the idea. Least it’s better than when I was hitting at least double that so swings and roundabouts I guess.

Driving now and, just to fill you in on how things have got to this point. Driving was my life, my passion, if you’d had made me choose between sex and driving then it’d be a close call but driving would win out. A two year driving ban fucked me up, it’s fair to say, and that ban has finished. I now have taken the theory portion of the driving test and passed it with minimal revision. Should you not know the UK driving theory test, the questions are multiple choice and are fair enough, the hazard perception portion is a simplified bullshit method of doing things. I can see the idea but the implementation is far from ideal.

Ok, enough bitching and whining about things, it’s now a matter of taking a few lessons to get me up to what the ever so lovely DSA believe is the way I should drive. My practical test is booked (finally after the idiot website didn’t tell me that whilst it allows you to select the option of having the extended test, you can’t actually book one online, something you find out after phoning up the helpline). Now the problem with this is that I cannot conceive of anything that far ahead in the future. As I am wont to do, I tried to envisage it and I couldn’t, sort of like whilst I had booked it, it was meaningless to me. This was curious to me and so I probed it like you would with a cavity in a tooth (rather than as an alien which is understandable considering we have buttholes and they don’t). The result of this non invasive probing is that I couldn’t actually comprehend the future at all. Beyond the next couple of weeks I struggle to accept that there is anything, logic dictates that all things being equal there will be but my mind can’t accept that.

Yeah yeah, it’s a little fucked up (or more than a little) but that’s the way it is. I’m also struggling to apply the concept of pleasure to the activity of driving again which is weirding me out. I don’t know why this should be, I mean I know I can drive but I can’t apply any sense of pleasure at this time. Maybe it’ll come with the freedom of the full license and a vehicle. Maybe I won’t get it back (either the license or the pleasure), maybe I need to try a little experiment to see what’s what. I dunno… but since when is that unusual?

Ho hum, think I need to double up on my ‘meds’ today as this hasn’t been terribly conducive to my clear thinking. Ok, no I shouldn’t as it’s not essential but fuck it.

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