That Cold Realisation

20 05 2012

Perspective comes in many forms, there’s the eternal favourite of hindsight, and there’s key pointers of others viewpoints. I got a lovely slice of the latter recently which has shaken things up. In hindsight I can’t say I’m surprised by it, but that doesn’t make it any more paletable.

Hung out with my ex what would be classified as yesterday (I’ve been up a while) and we went shopping at a larger place than where we live. On the way there some tunes were on and a particular track came on. “This used to be my favourite track when I was with you” she said, which kinda killed what wasn’t the best of days ever stone dead for me. The song? The Longpigs – On and On. If you’re not familiar then here it is thanks to a well known video sharing site.

Make no bones about it, I’ve been a handful to deal with (‘a shitbag’ could also be used) but when someone dedicates this song to the relationship they had with you it’s sort of like having that fact being rammed down your throat. It’s never a happy feeling and doesn’t do wonders for my self esteem because I see myself doing this shit, usually in hateful hindsight, and I really hate myself for it and I seem to be intuitive (waaaaay after the fact) as I’m aware of it.

And I wish you would leave me
And I wish you would go
And I wish you didn’t need me
And I wish I didn’t love you so
Cause I can’t go on
So please don’t do me wrong

I did plenty of wrong and… I dunno, I guess the way it affects me may be a sign that I should cut ties with the ex and just let things be. Maybe that would be healthier for both of us. I know what you’re thinking “How bad could it have been?”. Well, it was bad enough that after my last hospital she divulged that she had brought in razor blades for me to use to kill myself with. She hadn’t the opportunity to hand them to me and she didn’t know I’d already sneaked a couple of blades in anyway. Course it didn’t matter either way in the end as I pussied out of it and completely lost the plot as my world collapsed.

*sigh* I dunno, I still want to be dead or to never have existed. Would stop the hurt I inevitably cause with all my bullshit. To myself as well as others. Just wish I’d stop fucking about and have the balls to top myself properly as it’s getting fucking ridiculous now.

Bollocks to it. Move along, we’re done

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