Computer Says Not Yet

14 06 2012

You may, or may not, know that I’ve been undergoing psychological assessment. Oh, this isn’t an assessment to decide what’s wrong with me, at least not intentionally, it was to see if I was suitable for psychological therapy. It’s taken four sessions to delve into things and for the psychologist to reach a decision, duuring which I’ve learned a few things .

First things first, the actual result? No, I will not be taken on by psychology at this time as while I could certainly benefit from it, I’m not really ready for it. I can’t say I’m surprised by this as during the third session I got the notion that it was going to be a no. At least should I feel that I’m able to go for it in the future then I should be alright for a re-referral.

So what has this taught me? Well, despite my blogging and tweeting in an open fashion, I’m still very closed off because it’s only during this last session where any emotion was shown by me and that was because I was getting upset thanks to frustration at being misunderstood (it happens a hell of a lot). This is a problem because it would then take a lot of time, more than the CMHT could afford, for me to open up and benefit from what they can offer. Addditionally, it was said that I’d benefit from psychotherapy of some form however this isn’t in the budget for the CMHT so they can’t offer me that either.

Sitting (actually I’m laying down) here tapping this into my phone, I’m getting upset about it again because this is frustrating. I understand the logic behind it so I don’t hold it against them but it does feel a bit like the CMHT is unable to help me as I fall into that loophole of being bad enough off to need help but not well enough to benefit from what help there is. Oh, and I’m not ill enough to require acute care, something I’m happy about. Last time I got stuck in this hole I abandoned the whole deal and just got onto things, this time… I think I’m going to stick with it although I’m damned if I know what happens now. Maybe I should actually ask them that.

Another thing I learned is that I actually like the psychologist. This is significant as I’m not exactly known for my forgiving attitude towards MH professionals but then there wasn’t really much in the way of arrogance from her side. Quite pleasant really. She also wasn’t keen on diagnosis which was good and bad for me. Good because I’m used to having my diagnosis questioned any time I have more than an hour with an MH professional. Bad because I find myself frustrated by this shit diagnosis there are MH professionals determined to stick with because they no longer give a shit. Ho hum, such is life.

Have I learned anything else? I’m not sure, I mean I don’t know where things are going to go now. About myself, I know I’m locked up within myself because I don’t get emotional. Just struggle to show any. I function better when I’m not emotional to be honest, and I really really do struggle with empathy. I also have an inbuilt delay to reactions, I have no idea why, I really don’t, not a clue. It confuses me and I’m not sure what its significance is.

So… I dunno, it’s… I’m still wrapped up in my perceived futility of existence and I’ve no idea where I’m going to go or do… or anything to be honest. Think I’ll leave it there before I get too confused.

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