Just Experimenting

17 06 2012

You ever had one of those days where there’s an impulse to do that cognosticating thigummyjig? Yet you can’t really do that as there’s sort of a mental blockade erected and being manned (and/or womaned) by some pesky metaphorical things? Yup, that be a happening to me so I’m gonna try something, “Un petit peu de experimenting like” as the French would say.

I think I’m anxious about (at the time of writing) tomorrow. I have quite an important thing going on tomorrow which will influence my life quite a bit. Problem is that, like I said, I think I’m anxious. Normally I know about being anxious, me and that feeling have been on speaking terms for a looo[insert immense amount of Os]ong time, usually along the lines of “You bastard” which it replies with “Muaahahahahaaaa! Feel my power!!!”. Why anxiety feels the need to be a megalomaniac I don’t know but then it is what it is.

Anyway. Whenever big things loom I tend to get anxious about it, usually a week or so beforehand, which intensifies as the event gets closer. I get the usual feelings like that butterfly in the stomach thing so it’s kinda obvious that it’s happening. Yet this time we’re talking about a rather large event which is in just over 20 hours from this point (again, at time of writing) and I’m not displaying any sign of emotion towards it. What I am getting is the aforementioned mental block which isn’t a situation I enjoy because… I dunno, probably because it’s frustrating more than anything. So I’ve decided to do a little experiment to see if I can budge the damned dam and at least feel more comfortable within myself. Strange as it may seem I’d actually welcome the butterflies over the frustration of the block.

What’s the big idea? I’m going to… dandandaaaaaaah! talk about it. Sad as this may seem, I’m doing it here because I don’t really have anywhere/anyone else. Yup, feel honoured (or more likely slightly disturbed) because you are my world.

So yeah, I don’t know why I’m not feeling the anxiety because I’ve had everything up to, and including, physical shakes in the past, this time it’s not happening. My concern is that this may be like the time where I didn’t really show any emotion at all. Yes, you read that right, I didn’t express any emotion for a few years, never cried during that despite people dying etc. Took a while to get over that and whilst it’s entirely possible for me to end up being a big cry baby (again), it’s a little better than being totally locked down… if only marginally. *sigh* It’s tough to figure out what is going on but hey ho. Don’t be surprised if I end up with a new set of diagnoses going on, although this won’t happen for a few weeks if it does happen. Think all I’m missing is a dissociative diagnosis, get that and it’ll a full house yet I don’t think it’d explain my delayed reactions to stuff (like a few minutes to a few hours). Whatever, it doesn’t make any difference because I don’t know why I’m going the way I am with this whole not being emotional thing, or why I’m kinda wrapped up in a fug of futility (read as “There’s no point to me doing anything as it’s all pointless even though I’m compelled to keep doing it”).

Reckon now would be a good time to take a break. Has talking about it helped? Umm… hard to say, I think it has a little as I’m feeling twinges of anxiety, but we’ll see how it goes. Thanks for listening anyway.



One response

17 06 2012
Zoë Smith

Good luck or something similar. That’s all I’ve got.

Keep musing randomly.


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