Big Brown Envelope Of Death

14 07 2012

It would be fair (if not an understatement) that I’m not the most positive of people, especially when it comes to myself. So when the summary report about my psychology assessment arrived, I read it and wanted to crawl back into bed.

So I did.

Was it really that bad? Well, when you believe yourself to be a piece of shit and you get professionals more or less confirming that point of view then yeah, it’s less than fun. There may be a little bit of bias from me in what they say as the wording does give some leeway but it makes difficult reading for me. It’s not easy for me to open up on things so this may get sketchy quickly.

Apparently I may have Asperger or High Functioning Autism thanks to scoring 27/50 on an assessment test. This makes me curious as 22 is seen to be the break point so being close to that line makes me put little faith in it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not discounting it as there has been a link explored between schizophrenia, bipolar, and autism. Just happy that a psychiatric rather than just psychological aspect has been suggested to be honest as having just a personality disorder makes life a little more complicated.

Speaking of personality disorders, it gets a bit… interesting. Why? During the assessments I’d made a comment that as I’d received several diagnoses that I was surprised I hadn’t received a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. The response from the psychologist being that such a diagnosis was implied with the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Guess that makes me a darling of the Cluster B. I can live with that as the changability of mood can be a bit too random for anything else. However I think the line “does not describe a history of deliberate self harm related to emotion regulation” means Borderline is effectively ruled out, but that’s my take on it.

In addition to this, I may not be what is commonly accepted as a narcissist, but there may be a reason for this done in another test. I scored “unusually low in most areas” on a Personality Beliefs Questionnaire, including those bits related to narcissistic personality organisation. According to the psychologist this is “suggestive of difficulty in reflecting on personal beliefs, or a tendancy to under-report [my] experiences rather than an absence of these beliefs.”. Now, you can make a test says whatever you want and I’m aware of this so I don’t spend a lot of time filling them out, I blitz them. My intent is to be as honest as possible so I don’t give myself time to think about things and frame an answer, I just go for it so I don’t manipulate it. So any under-reporting is either unintentional or just plain ingrained in me. The sum total of things, taking into account another psychologists assessment, is that I have “difficulty in reflecting on self and others in relationships, and possibly also difficulty understanding emotional concepts”. Makes sense (he says grudgingly) although I’m not entirely convinced that things are as simple as that. Why? Because everything was done honestly and I believe every answer I put. How can I differentiate? Quite easy, because if you ask me a direct question then for me it’s easy to answer whereas if you ask me an open ended/vague personal question it because a lot more difficult.

How am I doing on the not having Aspergers/High Functioning Autism front?

Anyway, all in all I’m still an unwell person (possibly the kindest summation I could’ve made) and there isn’t really anything that the CMHT can do for me at the moment because I’m a little too unwell and closed off for their psychology resources. As such it’s recommended that I seek out a psychotherapist or counselling service in order to help me learn to open up and figure out what I want. Not entirely sure how I feel about that to be honest. I’m… ambiguous/nervous/uneasy about the idea of going to see a psychotherapist. Hmm… I dunno, I’m at a bit of a loss really. Guess this is where things start getting sketchy as I don’t know what next. Hopefully that’s enough for now.



One response

15 07 2012

Seems like a lot of work went into a process that has had no clear outcome, really. An assessment by an experienced psychotherapist could be expected to produce a clear outcome, and probably with a lot less work. No commitment to psychotherapy as a treatment need be implied. I don’t imagine a counselling service would be useful for this, unless you happened upon an extraordinarily gifted counsellor.

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