What Comes Next?

18 07 2012

Well hello there, and how’re you today? Hope you’re well and if you’re not then hopefully it’s not as shit as it could be. You may be wondering why I’m so chipper this time round but I have my reasons.

How do you function when you’re running beyond that time when you’d (theoretically) normally be asleep? I can get a little… sketchy at times when I get to that point but then some of my best ideas come at times like that (this?). There a point to this? Umm, not hugely, just thought I’d say it and possibly kinda explain the strangeness of anything I say.

One thing I remember saying to the psychologist during our time together was that I know I’m weird and I’m ok with that. This bit sticks out because whilst I’ve come to terms with the idea that I’m not normal, it struck the psychologist as odd. There was the inevitable discusion about this in order to see why I think I’m weird. Yanno, sometimes it’s hard to quantify over 20 years of experience in being me in which I came to that conclusion and managed to come to terms with it in a general sort of way. Probably didn’t help the whole assessment thing because it was always hard to come up with examples, it’s kinda just been my life and every now and then just thinking “Yeah, that’s not normal”.

Here’s the bit where it gets a little messed up. I know I’m weird and I’m ok with that but when I say that, I’m not happy about it. I’m not happy about myself (I know, “No shit Sherlock”), I accept who/what I am, I just loathe myself. So have I really accepted that I’m weird or am I just painting over the cracks in the dam? These questions and probably less coming up after the break

Do you suffer from an irritation? Well unfriend them, it’s only Facebook after all! That’s right, from the makers of Meh and Who Gives A Shit comes Unfriend because lifes too damn short.

Welcome back. So, I dunno, it seems that for knowing yourself it’s the same as with knowledge in general: the more answers you get, the more questions it raises. And I’ve had a lot of answers so now I seem swamped by questions. To get help I need to be able to open up. My question is how? One thing that was suggested to assist me was psychotherapy because it could lead to a long term relationship which could get me more able to open up. This feels… odd to me because throughout my exposure to the CMHT, running at least 12 years so far, I’ve not a continuous relationship with the professionals. For a few years it was mostly a case of me getting fed up with them quickly, beyond that it’s been a case of me not really figuring in their ideas of someone who needs close attention. Can’t say I blame them as I’m not exactly the model of someone who’s just shy of snapping like a twig bridge under a fat guy (or I am but I hide it well… which would explain a lot).

Where does this all leave me? I guess, if we go back to the whole psychology thing then it’s about finding a goal, a target, and/or a purpose. Problem is that I’m still not far from the desire to erase myself from existence which makes the goal planning a little difficult because it’s (still) all… pointless I guess.

*sigh* Well that was depressing. And a good way to kill the conversation which means this post is in real danger of ending up dying a death of ignominity. So in a effort to salvage something from this… yanno, I’m stuck with no direction because I can longer do what I’ve always done aka float through and let things take me where they will like a leaf on the water. Time for me to be a little more active part in where I go. Stupid as it may sound, I am able to do this but I either lack the patience or the willpower to see things through. I eternally seem to be stuck between the whole being low and feeling so hopeless, or being so fast thinking that I get bored with something because it takes so sodding long. Makes having a goal hard as I’ve never achieved anything I’ve wanted to. Maybe one day I’ll learn to focus properly and achieve… something… anything.

Maybe.

Just don’t hold your breath.

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