Losing Mental Altitude

31 07 2012

Well that last post of mine was happy go lucky wasn’t it. Maybe not, but then I can only say things that are in my head which is what I try to do with a modicum of sense, not always successfully but then that’s me I guess.

Today I tweeted “Either I’m becoming more aware of how miserable I am or I’m becoming more miserable and noticing it” which, if it’s the latter, is something I’ve been kinda anticipating. Something I’ve noted is that my moods have been getting a bit sketchy so I knew I had peaked and was due to head south. There may be some truth to the idea that it may be a self fulfilling prophecy but I can only deal with what’s in front of me and when it comes to these kinda things there’s only so much existentialism you can take.

So, narrowly avoiding the whole wonder what’s real and what isn’t thing, I think that this down, whilst more rapid than I’d thought, could be a good thing. Sounds a little strange but then that’s me huh. Anyway, aside from me preferring the depression than the highs I experience, going downward does mean that I’m more emotional than I was before.

Ok, this is where things may get a little confusing (for me more than anyone else). Getting emotional is good because I spend so much of my time is spent locked up behind a façade of control, where I’m just about the most closed book you could get short of actually glueing all the pages shut, that to be able to yank it open can be a bit liberating. Hell, if I could’ve done that during my psychology assessment then maybe things would’ve panned out differently (highly unlikely but possible). However, rarely is there good without bad and sure enough this proves to be a double edged sword with particularly keen edges.

The flip side of being emotional is that as I lay here tapping away at the clackety phone keys (physical keyboard ftw), I’m crying. Haven’t done that for a while. Why am I crying? Umm, I think it’s an acccumulation of things to be honest, and my mind has just gone with it. Am I going to expand on this? Hmm, it’s not something I’m terribly comfortable with doing so but y’know what, fuck it, let’s go for it.

I’m sad because I’m lost within myself, because whilst being a friend to girls, I would quite like a girlfriend. Because it all seems so utterly pointless and hopeless.

A quick dose of reality jams it’s foot in the door and pushes back to be heard. Am I in a fit state to seek out romance? Oh hell no, I’m about as suitable for women to consider a serious prospect as Mitt Romney is a serious prospect to be the person to raise money for poor black disabled people anywhere in the world.

That last bit would’ve been about Tory minister Chris Grayling being the guy you’d most like to look after you poor sick grandmother who was incapable of doing anything but I thought the intercontinental readers wouldn’t quite appreciate that one (he’s a bit of a bastard n controls the department that looks after poor sick grandmothers, amongst other things).

Back to the fun and adventure, I even want kids which quite an ask. Would you really want to be the other half of the reproductive setup responsible for unleashing complete evil on the world? That’s probably the answer most women would give (assuming you said no, if you said yes then… yanno, maybe we should, ahem, explore that a bit more), especially with the basic nightmare that I’m capable of inducing. My ex claims I was the reason she went a bit mental. She’s not wrong (although it was more of a nudge than a push to the mental side).

Guess this all means that I am again unable to resolve where I find myself with where I feel I should be. Naturally this would raise the thought that maybe I’m reaching a bit too far but all I want is someone to love, hopefully a kid or two, and if you’re feeling generous a job doing designing. That’s it, the rest will take care of itself. Too much to ask? Probably at the moment, as the car wreck of my life continues to careen across the roadway of life. Just doesn’t seem to be possible. Ever.

Just as a little aside, I have to be careful with what I watch. The film Wall-E would leave me a gibbering wreck. Why? It’s the ending, in this state I’d be crying my eyes out because it’s an example of a love which is likely unobtainable but it’s something I’d like to try for.

Fuck me I’m pathetic. Yes, deflection but it’s the way I think. Time for a break so I can regroup, maybe I’ll find a point and continue this diatribe later one. For now, thanks for sticking with me through this.

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2 responses

1 08 2012
Meredith

Great candor and thanks for sharing. Some support, the kind love can give, is what we need desperately. I am lucky to have found mine 10 years ago before I was medicated but after I had kids (bless their souls).

http://www.thedailybipolar.blogspot.com

1 08 2012
Karen

You’re not pathetic; you’re honest, and you’re human. I know it might seem rich coming from a smug married type like me, but I remember the pain of longing for someone to love me and be loved by me very well. It fucking sucks.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough period; wish I could say something to assuage it, but since I can’t at least know that I’m sending every good wish.

Take care

Karen

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