The Broken Mentalist Compass

31 07 2012

I know I’ve probably said this before but; ever had that feeling of being completely stuck in a rut or just totally lost within the world? Perhaps I’m being a touch melodramatic here but… yeah, you know where this is going.

It’s been, let me think, about eight months since things went to shit the last time. Almost a full three years since this complete fuckspan started. But going back that eight months, let’s establish a timeline.

About eight months ago I allowed people do whatever they wanted in their futile efforts to stop me from ending my life. This resulted in a sectioning and a brief stay on acute ward. I accepted all this for one reason, because for me the end of my life was irrevocable, inevitable, set in stone. Might as well let people get shit out of their system so they don’t punish themselves over an action of mine designed to ultimately make their lives better.

But I didn’t die. Then my life collapsed.

This is kinda like telling a kid who’s had a shit life except this concept of Santa existing that Santa, his/her last hope, doesn’t exist. I was looking forward to death as I’d had more than enough of inflicting myself on the world (and vice versa to some extent). And it didn’t happen. Once again I’d failed at something, anything, and I couldn’t deal with that. My complete belief system destroyed.

Anyway, my brain in tatters (or more tatters than usual), it took about four or five months for there to be a glimmer of anything, of any purpose. That was a bizarre time for sure, life without anything, not even hope. I dunno. And then things started to come to me as it were. Ideas, thoughts, things like that. My brain was firing again.

Excessively long story short it’s a case of whilst I now have ideas and, dare I say it (dare, dare), passion, I’m damned if I know what to do with it. I seem to be listless with no real target, just fantasy and ideas with no goal, no direction.

Guess the whole point is that I’m here, I hate the fact that I am, I have my usual ideas etc, but never able to do anything with them, and I’m still here. It’s just… I… I don’t know, here I am in a rut and I’m starting to wallow. Any bright ideas as I’m fresh out (for the past 30+ years).

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One response

31 07 2012
Roseyleeee

Yeh snap. Ideas, fuck all idea what to do with the bastard things. pretending to be positive nearly all the time is grinding my teeth down ( i have dentist on Wednesday). All im doing is buying shit, biding my time. sorting and re-sorting the shit that i have bought. etc etc . Life is not all peachy fucking creamy but its all we have so i propose we all cling to the rock like the limpets that we are and suck it up. If all else fails then pretend your someone else. Night night. P.s. i am free tomorrow if you feel like doing some joint wallowing? *mwah*

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