Detached Feeling

16 08 2012

We, as mentalists, have our own little nuances to our conditions governed by that time we spent growing up (although I’m not sure I could be deemed a grown up). It always seems to be a double edged sword, helping to protect us whilst at the same time being primed to do us harm.

When I asked for medication last, the psychiatrist refused because I only have a personality disorder and I wasn’t presenting the level of emotionality that he believed would necessitate medication. Here’s an handy relevant question; how much emotionality do you think I show? That’s a bit wide open so let’s give you options. Is the answer A) I wear my heart on my sleeve, B) Oh the same as everybody else in the world, or C) I keep things locked down pretty tight?

If you were thinking C was the answer then you couldn’t be more right. I’m not known for being emotional, kinda part and parcel of the whole ‘no empathy’ deal. So how do I express emotionality to a degree that registers with a psychiatrist? Well last time I did it was a case of being off my head because of antidepressants so I think I’m going to have to go down that route. Yes, that time on antidepressants did lead to multiple suicide attempts but I was out of it enough that I failed each time so there’s no need to worry. Besides, I don’t have bipolar so it won’t happen again.

Am I coming across as angry? I can do angry, that much I know, angry I can do well, although people get confused between me angry and me annoyed. Me angry is a lot nastier, more vengeful. So yes, I’m angry. I’m pissed off. But don’t worry because it’ll ebb and be replaced by another feeling. Soon I’ll be tired. Tired of caring, of giving a toss, of fighting, of everything. It’s a dark path after the luminescence of the anger and no doubt the thoughts I’ve been having will surface. Been a while since I last had proper suicidal intent (aside from the very recent activity) so I know I’ll get a bit shakey but hey, it’s ok, I’ll deal with it. What else am I going to do?

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