Between Idea And Intent

25 08 2012

I was talking with a friend about the usual chit chat when the usual subject cropped up, you know the one – “So how is your mood?”. As ever I answer honestly – “I’m in a low”. What happened next bears furtther discusion as it raises a point.

Whenever I’m in a low I get the usual thing of suicidal ideation. To be honest, no matter what mood I’m in I’d be happy enough to be removed from existence, but when low it becomes significantly more detailed and active. Anyway, the conversation continued thusly

“I mean, I’m happy to be removed from existence but it’s not quite got to the level where the mental health team would be interested in me”
“When are they interested?” (see what she did there? Not that my CMHT don’t give a fuck… ok, maybe they don’t, we’ll theoretically know in 2 months and 5 days time)
“When I go from ideation to action”

Finally to the point, where is that line where whatever the local mental provision is become a tad more proactive in things? An example would be that I’d quite like to go for a drive. I am drunk, I know I am, and I’d likely fail a brethalizer. But I’d be quite happy for the eciloP to come try it because I’d happily lead them on a merry chase. Would I surrender? Nope, better to go out in a flaming wreck than surrender. As I said to someone once – “You can’t threaten someone with nothing to lose”. What have I to lose? Nothing but my life and I’ve no problem with that.

Am I going to do it? Unlikely. It’s more a form of mental masturbation. My self destructive nature, my recidivism, all playing in my mind to create a fantasy that I enjoy. Hell, I’m surprised I haven’t got wood thinking about it. But the question is, what is the line I should try not to cross should I wish to not incur the wrath of the ineffectual and apathetic (believe me, I know about apathy) mental health services? Is thinking about fucking with authority and using them as a way to kill myself too much? Or is it further? At a guess it’s where people will express real concern about me. Fortunately I can fake it really well so that won’t happen. Besides, even if it does there’s fuck all they can (want?) to do with me so why bother in the first place?

Ha! Happy days eh. Kick back, relax and watch the world burn (in a metaphorical manner).

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