Bleahity Bleah Bleah

14 09 2012

I admit it right now, that I have no idea why I’m writing this or where it’s going, all I know is the impulse to write is strong at the moment. It may be the alcohol in my system, or the mood I’m in, or a mix of the two but it is what it is.

Yeah, it’s coming up to 4pm and I’m intoxicated. It doesn’t bother me, just seems I’m resorting to that awesome medication more often than not, using it to unjam my thoughts when things go a bit squiffy. I will admit to thinking about ramping up the alcohol on a prodigious scale, be it either to block out the world or for more terminal purposes… not eniterly sure why, just… *sigh*. That’s a lie, I know exactly why I am contemplating prodigeous levels of alcohol. Overwhelming the body with any poison results in one result and that result is always willing to raise it’s head adorned with the halo of hope.

I used to have hope, I guess I still have hope although it’s a mere spector of it’s former self. Just think I’m better off dead or damaged enough so I don’t think. As they say, ignorance is bliss, just wish I could attain that state. Given up giving as much of a shit about the world. Not by a huge amount but whilst previously I’d give a damn about stigma and the treatment of people by professionals, that aspiration/hope/giving-a-shitness has ebbed and I just… I dunno.

Am I making much sense? I’m barely focusing on the keyboard, let alone remembering what I’ve put down on the screen (apologies for spelling errors, not in the mood to check my typing).

Swear people look at me and either I’m completely transparent or they think “Damn, there goes a damaged motherfucker”. Shitting hell, I hate this god damn personality disorder bollocks, don’t get me wrong, the bipolar I theretically don’t have isn’t much fun either, but I can see the motivation behind things I think etc and I’m completely screwed up about it. Someone either shine a light to help me out of this bollocks, or shine a red dot on my forehead n pull the trigger. Tired n then some of this bleahness in the middle of life and death.

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