‘They slipped through the cracks’. You hear that phrase in the media sometimes, and it seems to be applied more often than not to the people who are failed for some reason by the system. ‘They slipped through the cracks’. The phrase is feels like vapour, right up to the point where ‘They’ becomes ‘You’.
I have a good brain. This is a fact, one that has been used to verbally berate me whenever I failed to apply myself at school. I’ve used my brain, perhaps not how people would have had me use it, but I used it. Do I have anything to show for it? Five GCSEs at grade C and above, nothing special there until you factor in me having done the sum total of zero studying for exams, turning up to exams with the wrong equipment, never doing homework. Hell, I did so well in a mock exam for Geography that it alone would have secured a D grade, but I didn’t do the coursework which would’ve counted for something like 30% of my final grade so they booted me off the course. So brain = good.
My lack of application to my whole education is a mystery to me, I just wasn’t interested, I couldn’t get up any shred of motivation. And, to be fair, it’s dogged me throughout life. Through my employment I was able to do quite well, promoted, given decent levels of responsibility, glowing praise in performance reviews with recommendations for promotion (whether I wanted it or not). Sounds good doesn’t it. But what do I have to show for it all? Nothing, save for those five GCSEs.
Now that I’ve officially been unemployed for a year, things are starting to get serious. I was turned down for a course in CAD because, according to the charity which specialises in mental and physical disabilities of all flavours, my condition is too unpredictable and so they do not believe I would be able to make use of the course. When I read that I fortunately was able to put in some breathing space because writing back and saying “You don’t know me at all, you don’t know that I worked for over a decade without my condition giving me more than a day or two off work in all that time. Arseholes.” wouldn’t be the best way forward. As such, the job centre have been accomodating, and quite understanding of my moods, however it’s getting to the point where I’m going to have to get a job regardless of what it is, regardless of how long it lasts. All this whilst they chase up the course providers to see if anything can be done to salvage the application.
Here comes the rub. Should I achieve employment for any amount of time then I will no longer be in the system and therefore the course etc disappears. Not exactly inspiring me here.
*sigh* Of course, when talking to my employment advisor about the job search I remarked that I saw several jobs I liked but each and every one I was unqualified for or excluded for another reason (normally my not so clean driving license). As an aside, it’s not even worth me applying for any job that requires a Criminal Records Bureau check because it’ll come back with not only my arrest but also any time the Police have been involved in my mental health (and they have). Anyway, the advisor listened to my struggles, identified that I was capable, intelligent, and clearly had the aptitude, but then said “You’ve just slipped through the cracks”.
Looking back, it would seem I’m pretty good at that, certainly seem to have done so with the mental health care teams, the dental profession, the employment services.
At the moment it’s hard for me to know what to do with myself. Certainly have some options I’m looking at, none of them you want to hear about for your own comfort. I’m just… I guess freefalling through life and there’s no way to stop. I just want to get drunk, get out of my head so this doesn’t matter, so that I don’t care. Dear god I wish I had the money for the amount of booze I want, but I’m currently almost broke (I will be getting some cider when I wake up tomorrow that’s for sure).
This post has become a bit of a rambling mess hasn’t it. Guess that shows up my other minor issue. You remember that good brain I’ve got? I’ve noticed the functioning is degrading. Not sure if it’s the being mental or I’m starting to degrade naturally, but it’s produced one or two noticable issues. Great news huh