Return Of The King

3 11 2012

It’s alive!

I appreciate that line would’ve been more appropriate on Halloween but thems the breaks. Before we go any further, be warned, it’s 4.40am n I’ve yet to go sleep since 6am yesterday morning so this could get… erratic. Tally ho!

So, what’s up with me? As I aluded to, I’m still alive, there’s only a vague amount of disappointment in my that this is so which means the whole “Kill me now” thing is back to it’s base level. By that I mean if someone were to offer a terminal way out, I’d umm n ahh but accept it rather than jump at it.

Anything beyond that? Ok, well I’ve started working again, a good thing although I just feel like it’s an exercise in futility because it’s temp work n isn’t really going to get me what I want. But it’s work. On top of that, I’m learning Japanese because… I want to. My car is still going. What else? Not sure… oh yeah, I had my psychiatrist appointment, remember that? It’s been a 3 month wait so…

If you have a psychiatrist, do you get the feeling afterwards that I can only describe as ‘Urgh’? That, exactly that, was how it went. Am I cured? Nope, but there’s nothing they can do for me. Yes it really is that simple. Has my diagnosis changed? Funny you should (theoretically) ask, no. Despite the psychologist bringing up Aspergers/high functioning autism, the psychiatrist dismissed this because… “it’s not her [the psychologist) place to make a diagnosis” (direct quote from Dr Dickwad).

To be honest, seeing as I’m no longer on benefits, a diagnosis no longer matters. One thing that was raised was the whole concept of psychotherapy (not provided by the NHS). It may be possible to have such therapy free, or at least very cheaply, and of course where personality disorders are concerned, it’s the way forward. But I’m not going anywhere near it. The thing that could have it’s impact lessened by therapy is exactly the thing which is stopping me trying.

Let me explain.

Do I seem like a chatty person, writing a blog about my experiences etc without holding back? This is because there is a very definite distance between you and I, dear reader. As far as you know, I could be anyone. Were we to meet in public then I’d have to know you quite well before any of what I’ve written would come out. I don’t do talking about feelings, I don’t have a wide range of emotions to show, and talking to strangers face to face will get you a sum total of nowt of importance.

It’s difficult to quantify exactly how deep this runs. A slightly flippant way would be for me to ask “How many times do you think I’ve said ‘love’ and actually meant it as an emotion emanating from me?” (hint – if we’re talking percentage then look towards low single digits to fractions). I don’t open up. Hell, the past 3 years have been the most emotional in that last 17 by quite a margin. No surprise should be gleaned from that fact of me not crying for approximately 5 years (not even welling up).

As such, whilst logic says that I really should try therapy, every fibre in my mental being is screaming “Fuck that!”.

I honestly don’t know what to do now. The fatalist in me says that I’m too far gone for it to matter. The stubborn sealed up, almost Gollum-like, part of me is saying “C’mon, dealt with this before, don’t needes them so-called professionalses. We’ll just cope like before my precious”. Logical part of me says “Yeah, coped for nearly 20 years… then everything went to shit and then some. You’re only fooling yourself” but that part is tied up in a corner of Gollums cave so it doesn’t get to say things loud enough.

Any surprise that I usually relied on others drag me to things I didn’t want to do? Unfortunatelt I don’t think that’s going to happen again so it’s a moot point.

Oh, to round things off, due to encouragement of a friend, I have rejoined a certain book referenced social networking site. From the minute I did so I felt disgust n hatred, the whole thing just irks me incredibly. Don’t like it, much prefer my beloved Twitter. I’m wholely against something that takes at least 10 minutes to deactivate all their tracking software which is only there to try and force feed me tripe I don’t wish to see on the offchance that I may. Trust me, if I wanted to know, I’d go looking for it. Watch this space for how long it takes to get the hell off there again. Like I said, I don’t share easily so FB is not exactly a natural area for me.

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