What I’m Feeling At The Moment

5 12 2012

Ai haz a sad. Not been feeling terribly happy for the past day, just got that empty feeling and a… I dunno, a loneliness inside. Guess if you’re reading this you’re already thinking “Yeah, I know that feel bro” (or words to that effect).

Part of me always wonders whether I should be talking about this kinda stuff but then this is why I started blogging. Just got tired of bottling everything up and having everything recirculating in my mind.

Anyway, I dunno if my sad is because I have toothache (I don’t deal with pain well) or it’s just a period of time when my mood gets screwy. Bloody mystery I guess. Hell, it could even be the whole being at work thing. I’m not feeling work at the moment, but I dunno if that’s part of the sad or if it’s causing the sadness.

*sigh* I dunno. I’m feeling both down n out of sorts. A mood tracking app would be good about now (I’m planning one so hey ho) although I’m not sure if it’d really help me identify what the hell is going on. All I can think of right now is that I’m not happy and I don’t wanna. Wanna what I dunno but whatever it is I don’t wanna.

Screw it, gonna shut up now as I’m starting to talk complete bollocks. I’m gonna take my pain meds n shut up n see if I can get a decent nights sleep n if that helps.

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9 responses

6 12 2012
Karen

Null, you’re allowed to talk “complete bollocks” on your own blog! As you said, that’s why you set it up. I know I don’t like writing certain types of post, so I empathise in that way, but then what’s the point of the pursuit if not to have a place to honestly vent?

If there’s anything that can help you feel less shit, keep doing it. I wish I could send some unshit-making chemistry/therapy/vibes/whatever down the cables to you, but since I can’t, I’ll represent them in words, simple as they are: I really hope you feel better soon, both physically and mentally.

Take care, my best to you as always

Karen

12 12 2012
NullFuture

A fair point. I kinda meant only the last bit was bollocks as it was getting confused πŸ™‚

6 12 2012
Lottie

It’s your blog….it’s for your benefit, write what you want…..I don’t think you talk complete bollocks and even if you did, like I said it’s your blog, so write what you want. I very rarely re read what I have written due to the fact I’d pull it to bits, edit it or delete it…Im not sure if it’s because I worry what others think or if I worry what I think.

Sorry you’ve got the sadz….whatever the reason…it sucks

As always

Much Love xxx

12 12 2012
NullFuture

Thanks hun x

8 12 2012
Rachael Black

Miss you Null. What’s happening over there across the pond? any luck with meds yet?
xxx

8 12 2012
Rachael Black

oh, the holidays probably don’t help either. enjoy the pain meds πŸ˜‰

12 12 2012
NullFuture

Umm, no meds as I won’t get any real treatment until I take part in group therapy (to be arranged/funded by me).

How much am I looking to that? Not in the slightest so there’s no realistic treatment outside of emergency treatment should I need it

15 12 2012
Rachael Black

Sweetie you gotta do what you gotta do. Fuck the emergency services -see comment on Homes for the Cogent-Free below).

in this case i recommend play the game and go to group therapy. personally? i think it is ass and have NEVER received any meaningful therapeutic help. Both times I’ve gone for the ‘get what you pay for i.e. free’ group therapy it’s been way too 70’s touchy-feely let’s all hug at the end of session kinda thing. -insert gagging noises here-.
On the plus, if you can get through a few session you’ll move up the twisted food chain of your countries mental health system.
Oh come one Null, if nothing else we’re kick-ass actors.
-Imagines self in Red Carpet gown at the podium… ‘I’d line to thank the director, 27 psychiatrists and the Porches I’ve helped them pay for and of course my parents *cough mumble Bullshit! Bullshit!* And of course the Academy! ”

Even in the land of insirance onlt for the wealthy (that would be here in the US) there are free carp group, sorry, meant therapy groups, available,
Put aside a day and find one. As one who knows…. sometimes finding a day to concentrate that long and deal with the phone and cretins can take at least a week… or more.

Fuck. I am going to a goddamned FOOD BANK run by the local Catholic Charities to obtain food for the holiday. mmmm the government cheese, expired canned pears and maybe some nasty nubby green potatoes. usually something even more disgusting,,, unlabeled -except for USDA APPROVED!- can of mystery meat: could be pork. could be chicken. could be mad cow,,, and fava beans.

yikes… not only do I detest help of any kind, but from a religious organization? Dear god I still refuse to accept food stamps (not sure what the ‘food for ‘po people subsidy/stamps/card is called in the UK. Called ‘Food Stamps’ here). Fuckity Do Dah I’m an Atheist lapsed Pagan Catholic Hebe.

Two months from the time of application to the time of receipt of said Food Stamp card. Last time I received $50.00 a month.This was over a year ago and only lasted two months before I was advised to re-apply.
That’s the fucking point. Which IS the government’s point, Hours of finding paperwork, photo-copies, statements from the bank, landlord, Social Security Disability, toilet paper receipts, trips to the only government office 20 miles away, oh wait we need this as well…. you know the drill.
spanking, restraints and leather too:
just checking to see if you’ve fallen asleep yet hahahahaha

Rationalization is the thing. And Xanax, And the occasional cup ‘o cheer. Goes great with the Lamactil,
Better that then check myself into ‘The Basket Weaving Home for Wayward Bohemians’ at Christmas.
Heh, Home for the Holidays!

Wish we could spend this wretched month together my friend. Perhaps finding strength and answers between us.

Oh ,and maybe you can kick my own ass into gear and get the 16 inch pile of paperwork completed, copied and sent to the correct government agencies. This way I can follow my own advice.
Why is it when we need real help with the mundane such as paperwork and concentration to help ourselves, there is no help?

Feel as though our illness should come with a government warning label:
Overwhelmed? Too fucking bad isn’t it?
Note: This illness has been shown to harbor known carcinogens in the State of California.

Heh. the last is a TRUE label on so much shit from my original home state lmfao. total US joke. You’re part of the in crowd now.

Perhaps that’s why we write. To find those other souls, Let’s try to pay it forward with each other. May the coming New Year bring us change and hope.

When life is awful I write or hide.
Do you do the same?
Think that you do. am so sorry you’re hurting. Wish I could truly help.
Happy Christmas Darling πŸ™‚

xxx

ps..Thank you for listening. there really is no one else to vent with. We’re twisted amusing fucks with a brain… that are turning against us

15 12 2012
NullFuture

Yanno, there’s always Skype chat

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