Tired of being human

20 12 2012

I… guess the best way of putting it is this – I am having difficulties. Not uncommon for any of us to have difficulties, seems to be a fixture of the mental landscape. All I know is that it’s my last day at work for a few weeks, and I’m damn glad about that as I’m not confident I could contain my difficulties like I used to.

Last night I found myself accelerating downhill towards a large roundabout whilst drifting off into the dream state where you visualise what would (could?) happen. You know what? It felt… good. Wasn’t like being suicidal, no harsh edge to it, no intent to die, just me visualising the crash. Wasn’t bothered if I lived or died.

Took a short while to shake this reverie and get back to normal. Don’t worry, no-one was at risk (excluding me), had plenty of time to stop so no lectures on driving. But now I keep thinking of self destruction (currently considering getting completely wrecked on alcohol n over the counter meds… for medicinal reasons as I have a cold). Starting to lose the ability to interact in social situations and have an ache inside, or a yearning to just disappear into a black hole.

Think the thought that sums up where my mind is at the moment is something likely to be the title of this post – ‘Tired of trying to be human’. To me that means for some reason my ability to be normal (yup, I can fake normal… sometimes, depending on mood) has gone and I’m struggling to maintain the façade in a situation where that façade is significantly more preferred over the alternative. Hell, I’m struggling with the concept of being social with friends which is a turnaround because I was doing exactly that less than 24 hours ago.

I dunno, maybe it’s a short term thing because of the time of year or some other factor n I’ll be back to… whatever soon. Maybe it’s down to some heavy abuse of decongestants because of my cold. Maybe it’s an interim thing and we’ll see a steady, or not so steady, decline in my mood.

As a side note, because it’s worth noting, my ex has a brother with bipolar. The doctors haven’t questioned this diagnosis, they are absolutely certain it’s correct. So she’s watching him react to stuff and she’s constantly thinking “Dear god, it’s [insert my name]”. Apparently everything her brother was doing was exactly like things she’d witnessed me doing over many years. So, either we both have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or the doctors can lick my halls because there’s only so many coincidences possible in any lifetime.

Screw it, stopping before I go too far

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2 responses

20 12 2012
Jane Core

Null, time out from real thinking can be irresistible, but please stay safe. I think I get what you mean. Christmas causes disruption to routines which is unsettling as hell. Faking normal can sometimes be enough. Hang in there. Keep posting.

20 12 2012
Lottie

Oh *sighs* I know the feeling well….”trying to be human” stinks, I don’t know what else to say….i wish I could give some real pearls of wisdom, honestly, I’d give them you well before I give them me…BUT I can’t.

Take care n enjoy the wine 🙂

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