Social Strife

21 12 2012

You know, it may be the alcohol, it may just be me being… me, but this is going to be a random post which says nowt of real significance. Why the hell am I writing it? Because it’s an urge to get out of my head the buzzing thoughts n feelings. Was kinda the original purpose of this blog so apologies if this doesn’t make a shedload of sense, I’m just brain farting into the ether.

Anyway, once again the accursed season is upon us which means people want to be more sociable. That’s… fine, but it makes life difficult for those of us who don’t cope well with the social scene.

Dunno about you but I have a desire to be sociable but encounter what could be called severe difficulties with doing so. This can vary in severity depending on where my mood is and so I can be a bit strange at times. I mean, I want to be with friends but I don’t trust myself to not let the weird out or to not freak out in some way. Mitigating this has meant I don’t drink when out, but still the feeling pervades many of the social situations I find myself in.

I dunno, I guess I’m trying to explain to myself why I feel the way I do when either in social situations or am shying away from those situations. Is it surprising that Asperger n high functioning autism have been spoken of as possible diagnoses for me?

Thing is that I don’t know. I can’t explain to myself because I don’t understand it right now, not sure if I ever will. Lacking empathy has it’s perks but this isn’t one of them. Makes me hate myself more.

And that’s self pity bingo! Time for me to stop before I wallow any more.




One response

22 12 2012
Rachael Black

OH I know how you feel my friend, am not supposed to drink alcohol on my meds… but this time of year makes me crazier than usual. Been reading up on the extra-special joy affecting we bipolar folks during November and December,
If it makes you feel any better (hahahaha) am jealous that you can imbibe. On the other hand know the feelings of self-loathing that this can incur,

Honestly, do not believe you’re autistic or high functioning Ass-burgers (sorry couldn’t help it). Sincerely believe you’re a bipolar-bear going without meds. Your ability to concentrate long enough to write in a cogent manner belies any other diagnosis.
Stay off and deal with your bipolar crap. If you can get out DO IT.
Personally dealing with Dysphoric/mixed state mania with suicidal ideation this time of year -several reasons- but the only mental hospital in my area is so fucking bad that they have actually been shut down previously. Sounds great and useful eh?
Oh, and have not left my bedroom for a week, Except to eat/binge,
Yeah baby: mental health rules in this place -grin-.

Just taking my meds, drinking -though am not supposed to- and craving drugs that I am keeping away from.
Damned self-destructive behavior always emerges when we’re sinking doesn’t it?

Get into the BS group therapy and try some med cocktails. you’ll probably have to try several.
As far as autism and asbergers? Fuck that. Being honest here: sounds like a cop-out to keep from taking the necessary steps to deal with the bipolar issues.
After all, there is no ‘proof’ of Ass-burgers and autism used to be considered a form of schizophrenia. Luckily it has been given it;s own DSM code.
do the fucking work.
If you do,,,, I’ll go along with you and take the necessary steps I’ve been putting off too.

Be well, and let’s try to make it though this fucking season without dissecting safety razors heh. note: actually tried this and it was such a pain in the ass I wound up laughing at myself and gave up šŸ˜‰

Love you babe!

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