Attack Of The Cuddles

10 01 2013

Once again I find myself struggling with where my head is at. I need to start doing some form of mood tracking because this is getting silly. Perhaps I’m dysphoric, perhaps I’m emotional at times because of some other reason, whatever it is isn’t as much fun being mental as it used to be. Or am I seeing things through rose tinted specs?

*sigh* Let’s try something else.

I visited a friend in hospital and noticed she had the same tics that I have had. Leg bouncing like a jack hammer, fidgeting about, unable to really look at people. Depressing in a way because you know exactly what it feels like but you can’t do anything about it. I know, I have difficulty with empathy but I don’t want people to go through things I did n I want to help them avoid it. Unfortunately I don’t have the wherewithal to help, or my mind tries to enforce bigger ideas than I’m able to do so I feel a failure anyway.

Being mental can be shit.

Yes I’m rambling but I feel ok doing it (this time).

Times when I’m getting emotional, I sometimes just want a hug n then I think of how lonely I feel. One of my friends is teh awesome at hugs (they weren’t a fan till I turned up so yeah, I corrupted them muahahahahahahaaaa! *proudly displays evil genius badge*) but I would like get cuddles, not really something I can get from a friend. Ok, I could in theory (not from hug friend, a theoretical person I mean) but that’d probably be either quite awkward as a friendship, or it’s be one of those friendships with bonus features. As much an expert as I am on making things awkward, it’s not as much fun as advertised, and I think I’m currently a bit too damaged to work the whole friends with benefits scene (or have a full relationship) without it ending badly.

So for now I will stay single (not that I really have an option tbh), unfulfilled in my quest for cuddles. But what I won’t do is try to “suck it up” because that doesn’t make me feel better and it’s only really me who thought it was necessary in the past. Instead, I’ll do what I can to cope (yes, I’m still drinking but not to excess) and maybe try making notes about where my mood is.

Maybe.

Ah well. either way, hopefully you, dear reader, are faring well enough, if not better. Thanks for putting up with me, tis appreciated.

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