Controlable/Uncontrolable

13 01 2013

Ever had that feeling where you know you need to do something but you don’t know where to start because things are, for want of a better term, blurry and you just can’t… nail it down, like it’s a vapour? Well, regardless, it’s how this post is being formulated. Rambling in an attempt to nail something to the digital page.
Right, as things stand, I’m sat at my computer (normally these are written via my phone), I’ve had a bottle of cider and now I’m onto a bottle of wine (a 2007 Portuguese red). As discussed before, alcohol allows me to get out of my head (and will probably be mentioned a lot in posts so bear with me). Couldn’t help thinking to myself that as I go upwards, I will probably want to get out of my head more because when I’m in it, I get on my nerves.

A quick shopping trip turns into a myriad of thoughts which can be quite intense and conflicting as I try to calm myself from some pretty damn aggressive thinking. Course it wouldn’t be me if there wasn’t another thing going on. What could that be?

I try to control myself. Hard to believe sometimes, but it’s true. It’s far easier to control myself in company than it is out in general population. Why? Because people I’m close to mean more than the general populace. Does that make sense? Any of it?

Anyway, I’ve spent so long keeping everything under wraps, it’s wearing too thin now and, stupid as it seems, I wish I could be like other people with this condition. I wish I could let the mental out whenever it hit because seriously, keeping a lid on it may be the greater evil. Can’t describe how much I hate myself, even when feeling high the thoughts are still there. The thoughts of death have been with me so long I could have become a samurai (their whole existence was predicated on the thoughts of death). Getting help is a non starter because I struggle like hell to open up and can even appear well when I’m struggling to keep my shit together.

Still, I have learnt… to a degree, because I have grandiose ideas and I’m not going too far with them, managing to rein them in before they go too far but I was looking at how much it’d cost for me to take a trip to the US (a couple of thousand in case you were wondering). I’m allocating funds to projects, but at least I’m not spending these funds… so far. Loans options have been examined but as there are a few hoops I have to jump through, I haven’t taken this option… yet.

Alcohol makes me lose control, it breaks down the barriers, it unleashes the mental, but at the same time it soothes the beast. Paradoxical, but that’s why I’m drinking right now. Yes, I have had some reactions/emotions when writing this post which would be deemed more extreme than normal, but I’m ok with that. The thoughts are worse than the twitches, the rocking, the unexpected bursts of emotion pushing me (almost) to tears. I’m not annoying myself and, as I’m alone, I’m not annoying anyone else… so fucked up as it may sound, it’s a tick in the win box.

As a side note, I’m going to be getting drunk for the first time on a night out in a while so I think this will be interesting. Friends have been warned, possibly a wise move, but hopefully unnecessary.

Ok, gonna settle down and watch a film, drink more wine. Not sure if I’ve got out of my system what I set out to but nothing else is springing to the fore at this time so we’ll call it a day for now.

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