Existential Angst

19 01 2013

So, tonight was fun in the most part, there were one or two glitches but that’s ok, I never expect things to be perfect. I also find that it doesn’t matter where you are or what you do, it’s those around you that help make an activity fun. Fortunately tonight was a night on the town with my friends, who are awesome.

I’ll admit that there were some… questionable thoughts popping up in my head, something that was probably quite apparent to those who follow my Twitter feed. I even smoked a cigarette for the first time in ages which is significant because I only ever smoke because I want to get out of my head. But you know what, it all boils down to this – I’d like to meet someone, to have a relationship, but I lack the confidence to do anything about it, and I believe that I’m just too broken for it to be a good idea anyway.

Some may say I’m not too broken but I can’t believe that. Maybe not can’t, more unable to. My self loathing stops me from believing anything other than I’m a complete screw up, I cling to the glimmer of hope that I’m not but it’s always difficult no matter where my mood is.

*sigh* I dunno, it’s not fun feeling like everything that you touch turns to crap. That the ideas you have virtually every time exceed your ability. That whatever ability you have is mired in the crapness that is you. But that’s my life, that’s the way I think. Not exactly surprising that for the past 20+ years my time has been spent fervently wishing I didn’t exist, all whilst I keep things bottled up and kept my profile as low as possible (wasn’t that long ago you’d have been damn hard pressed to know I existed full stop).

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