Me vs Me

22 01 2013

It’s not easy writing this particular blog post because I’m torn between wanting to get thoughts out of my head and controlling my image. Dear god that sounds egotistical but… it’s the truth. My justification is that getting the thoughts out is more important than making myself look… not like me as I currently am.

I… thinking of where to start is difficult.

I’m 36, single, I live with my parents, I’m finally working after a couple of years not doing so, I sleep on a sofa bed. Ok, that last bit isn’t applying right now, I’m sleeping on the floor because I can’t be bothered to unfold the bed for the nth time. Why not leave the bed out? Because it takes up a lot of space and not having that space is just a bit more soul destroying than sleeping on the floor.

Not that long ago, there was a time I didn’t have any suicide ideation, no such thoughts entered my head. Was a rare and unexpected time. And now the thoughts are back. The wishing, the frustration, the hopelessness that it’ll never happen because I’m too much of a wimp to do it, and do it right.

Alcohol has been my friend for a month now, helping me with the anxiety, with the thoughts cramming their way between my ears. Except today. I look at the half bottle of (admittedly expensive) wine sat in front of my keyboard and I feel I’m giving it sad hopeful gazes, kinda like a guy looking at happy couples. A self imposed abstinence brought about by the last time going… not too plan.

So far it’s been the usual kind of day with major emotional drops hitting hard enough to make me catch my breath. Being at work isn’t easy, I keep thinking “I shouldn’t be here, I don’t know how long I can keep myself together”. Going to the shops requires a lot of effort as the aftershock of it means I’m screwed up for a while after. But I’ve not been pushed to tears, or even close to, and whilst I may be looking at the wine, I’m not drinking it. A win, even a small one, is still a win I guess.

One thing I know is that I’m becoming more… vulnerable/needy. This is not my preferred state because it means I’m trying to stop myself from saying things just to get reactions, I’m failing to stop myself from checking social networking sites excessively. Don’t like it because I am liable to piss friends etc off n that’s something I can’t afford to do seeing as it takes me more luck than judgement to make friends in the first place.

I feel so alone but I know I’m too damaged to actually begin to look at changing this situation. To be honest, I’m not sure I’ll ever be in a position to get romantically involved again as I can’t see me ever being undamaged enough to give it a go without there being a high chance that it’ll mess them up. Hell, I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever truly felt love… but I get the feeling that’s quite a normal thing.

*sigh* Seems things have run their course and the thoughts are out. Who knows, I might even get some sleep in the few hours I have left before work.

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