Losing The Plot

26 01 2013

I’m… not coping well. I’m…. having trouble with anxiety or something. Can’t say for certain what it is, I can only describe the symptoms which manifest both physically and mentally. Maybe if I describe what’s going on, someone can give me a clue as to what’s going on because I’m lost.

What’s going on? Sit back, relax, and get ready for a bit of a shit storm.

*WARNING* Contains some pretty nasty stuff, some swearing, talk of self harm n worse. So seriously, if this stuff disturbs you, don’t go any further.

I am;

  • Rocking about a bit
  • My limbs are twitching like a mother fucker
  • Thoughts are going very sketchy and rapid
  • Hitting myself in the head (some claims it’s self harm but I’m not convinced)
  • I guess you could say actively considering suicide as I’ve wondered if the 4 pints of cider I have access to (two down, currently working on number 3) plus the 30 or so ibuprofen is enough to kill me… oh, and had a belt round my neck (head was throbbing but could breathe normally)
  • Brief but intense moments of emotion where I’m almost driven to tears but not there (that’s probably the weirdest feeling yet)
  • Feels like a hit of adrenalin but I’m not sure, it just consumes me and makes me almost catch my breath

So… yeah, that’s me right now. Like I said, I think it’s anxiety hitting me but I’m not sure. Either way I have no idea what it is because today actually started well, no bad thoughts, just shopping and getting things done. Then it hit and well… fuck me, here we are, me trying to keep my shit together till about two hours ago. Then I rushed to the nearest supermarket which says every little helps, and the little they helped is helping me a little.

Sooooo… fuck it, lick my balls, dress me in a tutu and call me Toto whilst wearing those sparkly red heels. The alcohol (which I was trying like hell to do without) is kicking in and now I get to sit back n watch some films, hit myself randomly, and just try like fuck not to spam social networks with the bollocks that I’m spouting on here.

Anyway, how’s your night/day going?

 

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4 responses

27 01 2013
Anonymous

You’ve described your shitstorm well. I hope your od plan stays a plan and not an event. I like your tweets and I’d miss them, so hang on for me. Your anxiety sounds horrible and familiar. Not sure what to advise, except to talk to someone you trust as soon as you an when the feelings start, to try to find reality and a chance to draw breath. Keep going.

27 01 2013
NullFuture

Is it anxiety? I trust your opinion on this 🙂

I tried distraction etc but things got too intense so I got drunk very quickly which works in two ways – it gets me out of my head and makes me sleepy. Talking isn’t easy for me, partly because I don’t have many friends and partly because the nature of the beast is that I really don’t like opening up for a variety of reasons.

Reality I feel too familiar with, it’s rare that I’m not for some reason. Least it feels that way

27 01 2013
the secret keeper

i’d say find something you like to do that isn’t destructive and do a lot of it. if you like any activity like drawing, painting, talking to a friend, writing. No matter what you write maybe try to write a letter to yourself or someone else and just keep writing. say all the things you want to say but remember you don’t have to ever show it to anyone. write like you did in your post but go even deep for yourself b/c no one else will see so you can write anything. the same with drawing. it doesn’t make any difference how good it is. just that you express yourself. there is also an online site called “IAMALIVE” google them if you need someone to talk to anonymously. do whatever you have to do to hang in there. jk

27 01 2013
NullFuture

My thing has always been writing, putting pen to paper. The slowness of writing helping to calm my head as well as getting the thoughts out of my head. Unfortunately, things had gone too far for that to be an option. Couldn’t keep my hand steady and if things became untidy I’d have got more angry at myself.

I don’t do conversations with people like that, never have. Have tried helplines before but ended up hanging up because I couldn’t do it.

As for hanging on, I keep asking myself why I do n I’ve never been able to answer it

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