Conflicting Mood Indicators

28 01 2013

Telling where I am in my moods can be easy sometimes. For example, I know my mood is elevated because I’m sleeping less, today brought four hours, notable as I usually need at least six. However, what I think when awake may make you believe otherwise.

I loathe myself when I’m like this. I wake up and after figuring out the time and how close I was to my alarms going off (necessary as sometimes I wake up just before my alarm goes off), the bad thoughts kick in. They drive me to distraction because they’re usually about what people think of me and I end up checking social networks to find validation.

What gets me is that I spent the vast majority of my life being weird, just how I was. People generally don’t like weird and I took a lot of shit when I was young, I mean hell, there was a significant period of time when even my family didn’t like me.  Is it any wonder I have zero self confidence? Sure, I may talk the talk but I rarely have anything to back it up. My default position is that I’m a weird piece of shit, I struggle to justify my existence (without getting too existential) n I hate myself more whenever I think of the various methods of suicide because I know I’ll fail, like I (obviously) did in the past.

I know my mentions of suicide may be concerning people but don’t let it. These thoughts make me sad because as much as I crave the end, I’m scared of it. Hmm, scared isn’t the right word… downright terrified fits better. Wish I was either dead/never existed in the first place (20+ years n counting of that one) or that I was ‘normal’ (relative newcomer to my mental landscape) but I don’t have the bottle to do myself in, and I’ll be damned if I have any idea how to make the latter happen. The point is I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself.

Speaking of points, the point of this post is that my mood seems elevated because of sleep (and other factors) but the insistent/persistent noise over how shit I am makes it hard to be happy in any way. No point asking for help from services because they haven’t helped me so far. Do I need help? Possibly, I don’t know.

Screw it, stopping now because I don’t know where to go with it. Thanks for reading the drivel (maybe I should include a ‘Contains drivel’ warning next time).



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