Self Harming Or Not Self Harming

31 01 2013

I have a bit of a headache at the moment. Don’t worry, I’m not looking for sympathy, you’ll be less inclined to offer any when you hear how come I have it in the first place. Comes down to me hitting myself in the head.

What more can I say? I do it because my brain gets messed up and I need something to clear it up, even a little bit. Never intended to do it to begin with, just began doing it one day n been doing it ever since. Does it work? Sometimes yes, not an exact science and a lot of the time I’ve done it before I know what I’m doing. Wouldn’t exactly recommend it to anyone either.

Of course there’s something about it which bothers me, namely that it’s termed as self harm.

You see, to me it’s either a coping mechanism or a reaction to stimulus when anxious. Does that still mean it’s self harm? Is it more painful to watch than it is too do (doesn’t hurt that much to be honest)? At least it’s not as bad as when I was full on punching myself in the forehead.

I have nothing against those who do self harm, I understand their motivations, just never associated what I do with that category, even denied self harming when asked by doctors because I genuinely didn’t connect the two.

So… I’m Null and I self harm.

Feels odd saying that and I kinda feel I’m devaluing the actions of those who cut etc, so I leave the judgement up to others. You tell me if it’s self harm. I’m not going to stop, but accepting it for what it is could be termed an advance in understanding what it is about me.



2 responses

1 02 2013

“I do it because my brain gets messed up and I need something to clear it up, even a little bit.”

If I said I cut, or burn, at times, for the exact same reason as what you have shared above…..what would you say?

On my last admission, I vaguely recall everything going so fast, I couldn’t think straight and I HAD to be able to clear my mind….I’d sit on the floor and give my head a good old whack against the wall…..not because I wanted to hurt myself but to be able to clear my mind.

However I would still say that it is a form of self harm, because you are deliberately hurting yourself….for one reason or another.

Hope that makes sense…..seems a bit riddley to me 😉

3 02 2013

It makes sense and, to be honest, kinda makes me more comfortable with calling what I do as self harm

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