Why Do I Hope?

3 02 2013

Fun thing about being me is that my imagination will take me on flights of fancy which can be quite entertaining from time to time. Upside to these flights are that they can be fun, they can inspire me to write, to create, even to relax sometimes. Downsides, I can get lost in them and forget my place in the world which can be extremely painful when the world comes back and slams the door in your face.

I guess my problem is that I need to accept that I won’t ever have the things I want, and that my refusal to truly accept my limitations will always fuck me over.

Hoping for a better life that isn’t going to happen really opens the door to emotional pain. I guess I should be used to this shit by now but I’m not. I keep getting myself into situations which, if I step back and look at it along with my limitations, is just pure fantasy, yet I still get myself into them. Why? Because I’m too dumb to realise that I’m too ugly/damaged/useless for the stuff I want/hope for to ever become reality.

Sounds a bit extreme but it’s the truth. Hell, even my fervent hope to be dead managed to get fucked up because of me.

I a,. without doubt, my own worst enemy and I keep screwing myself over in an attempt to achieve my dreams. Guess that’s the worst part of bipolar for me, because I know I won’t stop hoping or dreaming and I know that it’s just leading me into lots more pain (something I got sick of many years ago).

So for now I just try to distract my brain from the hopes etc because liver damage is a lot less problematic than the pain I seem to go through on an regular basis. Hell, I think I’d even be happy with brain damage, anything to stop me hoping and dreaming, because maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much. Even this post hurts to write

fuck I just need to gas myself or something. I… just fucking had enough of this bullshit



2 responses

4 02 2013
the secret keeper

don’t stop dreaming or using your imagination. sometimes those are the only things that get you through. keep writing. no matter what you have to say. get it down and out of your head. there’s always hope. bipolar sucks. yes it does. but it also has some great uplifts. enjoy those if you can. I hope you at least get that benefit from bipolar. depression hits me when I least expect it and goes away just as quickly at a whim. I try to go with the waves. check in sometime. jk

4 02 2013

And endure the heartache? The torture?

I write less nowadays because it’s pointless, there’s no payoff, it’s just a coping mechanism when thoughts get repetitive. The highs light up my brain like a glorious firework display… and I hate it.

Sorry, I know you mean well but I’m not depressed, this is me elevated in mood, this is me after decades of self loathing, of pain. It’s not getting easier, it’s just getting so far beyond a joke it may actually be funny

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