Hollow Mental Man

11 02 2013

So…. I guess the big question is “Am I stable?”. Umm…. to be honest, that ‘umm’ probably tells you a lot. The diazepam has taken a little of the edge off things…

But.

But the words in my head before I started writing this post were “I’m going to have an emotional breakdown”. Not intentionally, I meant that it feels like one is coming because I have no one to keep me centred.

Sorry, that sounds stupid.

I have friends, I love them to bits, but no matter how beautiful they are (and they are, both inside n out even if they don’t see it themselves), nothing is going to happen between us because a) I really REALLY don’t want to lose their friendship or it to become awkward and b) I’m not exactly their, or anyone’s, type. Can’t tell you how long it’s taken for me to come to this conclusion because I’ve always had difficulties with relationships n very few actual friends. And you know what, I’m happy with it.

Guess it’s hard to form proper relationships when you are basically used for sex from about the age of 11-12. No, I wasn’t abused as such, it was consensual with someone a little older than me. I was just someone’s booty call at a time when you learn what’s what with sex.

I’m aware I’m rambling but I think I need to.

Back to friends now n I hate to see them hurt n I want to help but I never know how, what’s appropriate, that sort of thing because, when all’s said n done, I always feel like an outsider. And so I feel neutered.

*sigh* Back to me now and… I… find I’m struggling to get to the crux of the problem. We know I’m not stable, that I feel hollow inside, that as much help as friends are, I’m self conscious around them as I don’t want to seem too weird or overstep boundaries I have trouble seeing.

I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing, I’m just wondering how long I can hang on (not a fun thing for a pessimist). I’d like to feel safe in someone’s arms but I can’t because I’m on my own and I keep telling myself I’m too damaged to be myself with anyone. I just need to find a way to do this on my own (yes I know it’s not always gone well in the past but I’ve got to learn how some time).

Bollocks. I should’ve left it as “I’m not entirely stable”.

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5 responses

11 02 2013
Lottie

(((hugs))) I can see you are struggling so much and I just wish I could help you fix it….I think we’d all like to feel safe in someone’s arms, to be told its going to be ok and just be held…..please don’t think you are too damaged, you aren’t, and you have to be yourself to allow people in, and believe me I know that is far easier said than done. I wish I had a magic wand Null, really I do.

Take Care xxx

11 02 2013
NullFuture

Thank you. That was way more than I expected, and way better than I deserve *trying like hell not to cry*

11 02 2013
NullFuture

I wish I knew how, I wish I knew who to

11 02 2013
roseyleeee

Amen lottie!

11 02 2013
jermec

“Not entirely stable” is something a lot of people can claim. You really are not alone, even if that’s how you feel. I’m pleased you keep blogging and tweeting, I hope it helps to share. And please accept some virtual vodka.

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