Thoughts From The Night

12 02 2013

Blogging again because my mind’s on fire. May be because I fell asleep I don’t know when n woke up about 2am. What am I doing? Not sure, just going to see where the words take me.

My last post received a few comments, all of which were far too kind. Kinda opened up a can of spaghetti in my mind.

Opening up is… an issue for me. The most open I’ve been is likely here on this digital page or to my most trusted loved ones (as in friends, not family). But I’ve always seen this blog as shouting into the abyss, don’t expect a reply but it’s always… good(?) when there is. So if you’ve commented then know you’ve made this better than it could’ve been.

I wish I knew how to open up properly because there’s a lot I keep locked up and I’m very… well, I generally downplay things. I don’t say what’s going on to my head because I’m weird enough as it is without the really weird stuff making people uncomfortable, more than normal.

I wish I knew how to open up. I wish I could push the shit out and find ways to stop it refilling. I wish I could move forward instead of being static for so very long. I……….. I don’t know. I’m stuck in the mire n shovelling out crap into the ether to keep my head free. I’m trying to shout out (something I should have done a long time ago) but… I was going to say I don’t know the words, which is true, but the real reason is I’m scared.

God damn it’s taken me so long to get where I am which is a lot further than I’d admit. I don’t want to lose friends as I’m scared of being alone. Spent so long with faux friendships, with being alone that I don’t wanna go back to that. And I know I’m damaged because I don’t know how to hang on to the friendship(s) I have or develop them in any way. I don’t want to fuck up. I know that feeling very well and I’m well beyond tired of it.

And so I struggle to open up because… because everything. Because it scares the crap out of me. Because it means vulnerability. Because with all those defensive/bullshit layers stripped away, people will see the real me. Then I’m screwed because I hate me so much, what would people find to like about me. And that’s me vulnerable and alone. Not sure I can cope being this vulnerable so more is unimaginable

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