Catching Up On Stuff

23 02 2013

Wow, it’s been a while since I soiled your virtual lawn and quite a bit has happened, some good, some bad, most quite odd. Guess I better find somewhere to start…

Anxiety news and I am now out of diazepam. It took longer than it should have and it sure as hell wasn’t smooth sailing but now it’s done. Dunno what the future holds regarding my anxiety but I know I’m going to be stocking up on alcohol because… seems like a good idea.

I… have started a… relationship with a girl. It’s complicated. For more reasons than I can go into. There are no expectations of where it’ll go, if it goes anywhere.

I had to vent on Twitter because my head going off on one thanks to someone in a nightclub threatening to smash my face in because I wouldn’t let him try my glasses out. This caused a problem for me as my friends came to my aid and things got weirder still.

What happened to me? I ended up needing time alone before I cried. But it solidifies a couple of things.

Firstly, my friends are awesome. Can’t think of the words to properly express what I feel about them n I can’t go there as I’m welling up thinking about it.

Handily that leads me to point two. I am… brace yourself for foul language… a worthless piece of shit. I honestly see myself as a waste of space, as inconsequential, as if my brain belongs in someone elses body. Someone who could actually make use of my supposed intelligence. My self loathing has reached very high levels and I honestly don’t know why I’m still alive (aside from me being too much of a wimp to kill myself). Yes I have ideation, it’s not too intense though, at the time of writing.

All in all I just want to become a hermit or something but I know that’d be a bad thing. Just so afraid of alienating friends etc with my stuff. Not everyone wants to be psychoanalysed as to why they do things. But I can’t help it.

Words are failing me. See, can’t even blog properly and I’m stuck on a mental loop of wishing I didn’t exist because I’m clearly not coping and the universe would be better off without me because it’s certainly shit with me in it.

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