Not Right In The Emotion

7 03 2013

It’s been a strange time for me, everything so variable it’s…. I dunno. Not really thinking with a clear head at the moment as I’m not long awake during another night of interrupted sleep.

My fears are either that I’m heading for a breakdown as the anxiety hits me full force and I struggle with doing even simple things without getting stressed (sometimes it’s hard not to cry… I don’t cry easily or in public), or that I’m crashing down in my mood.

It’s not easy to write this because I’m not 100% sure where it’s going… which is true, but mostly because I’m going to confess that I feel so needy right now and that is a major problem for me. Why? Because I’m terrified it’ll scare/piss friends off and I’ll lose them. Been hard making friends (story of my entire fucking life) and I feel so inept that…. I dunno. The messed up part? In my mind, in order to keep friends I now have to distance myself from them in case I let lose the diatribe running through my head.

For fucks sake. Not making sense here. I’m epically lonely, isolated, I know it’s in my head but that just means I can’t escape it.

Trying to articulate something here but failing miserably. Been trying to run it through, you know, act it out in real life to see if that’ll help me express it on this virtual stage, but it just leads to some weird arm gestures and a lot of crying. Still no closer to saying anything, of expressing myself.

Am failing in some way n I don’t know how to stop so I will isolate myself so I don’t scare people off. Probably one of the dumbest ideas I’ve had recently but I can’t think of any other way.

Scared to upload this post cuz… I don’t know, because it makes me sound stupid? Vulnerable? But will cuz need it out of me

Dunno what else to say. Sorry

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