Anxiety Bites Back *Trigger Warning*

8 03 2013

Had a little success with anxiety. Basically, a bottle of wine last night ended up doing the trick and I felt no anxiety at all today. First time in a while that’s happened, not even an undercurrent of it. Unfortunately it wasn’t to last. *WARNING! CONTAINS PROBABLE TRIGGERS! DON’T CONTINUE IF YOU FEEL VULNERABLE OR SUSCEPTIBLE TO SUCH THINGS*

I am such a passive aggressive twat it’s unreal. I know what I am about to write will likely cause people concern but don’t want that. I know I want, n most likely need, help but don’t know how to make it happen. Please don’t think I’m writing this hoping you, dear reader, will be able to produce an answer or anything. Just writing to get thoughts out of my head n hope it calms me down.

I lay here n feel the self loathing swallow me up. The usual line of how useless/pointless I am. Then thoughts that don’t feel like mine slide in “Why don’t you just kill yourself” and flashes up images of hanging myself.

I have the rope. I think about how I’d use it.

I think about notes to write. General apologies for being so useless n thinking about who I’d like to get what of mine.

Self harm a little but feel stupid doing it. Doesn’t help.

Don’t want to die, don’t consider myself suicidal. But…

But…

The facts I researched before float back to the surface and the images brighten back up.

And the the thought completes;

I don’t want to die, I really don’t. But what option do I have?

Writing hasn’t stopped, or lessened, the thoughts like I’d hoped so gonna max out medication n hope it shunts me into sleep n it’ll be like this was a bad dream. Fucking hate this shit. I know why I anxious but I don’t know why I am or why it’s hit me so hard. Doesn’t make sense but it’s only way can express it.

Meds time. Fuck I hope this works. Sorry for dragging you into this. Just needed to write. Sorry.

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