Blindfolded On The Rollercoaster

9 03 2013

Ok, a few hours ago I posted possibly not the happiest of blogs. If you took that on it’s own you would be forgiven for thinking I was depressed. But I wasn’t.

This morning, after I’d woken up from my diazepam and alcohol induced slumber, I had a light bulb moment of realisation because whilst I’ve always been able to identify my down state (I can even tell the difference between that and depression… it feels different, it’s subtle but it’s there), I have difficulty identifying where my up state is.

The title of this post is ‘Blindfolded On The Rollercoaster’ because that’s how I can best describe it. After so many years of riding it, I have started to get a feel for things. Assisted by watching others ride it too I can see that the things I’m going through are all part and parcel of the up.

Bipolar, as someone once said, amplifies your self. It’s you but taken to (at least) 11. Last night I can see the extremely insecure version of me. The self loathing and lack of confidence have been with me for years, they got turbo charged last night and I got the thoughts. I can even (in hindsight) tell the difference between those and the very similar thoughts I have when in a low.

So yeah, reading that post from earlier doesn’t make for a lot of fun, even for me, but I’m kinda glad I wrote it otherwise I doubt I’d have made the connection. All in all, safe to say I’m still up, still curious as to when the down will come, but at least I’m getting the occasional glimpse beneath the blindfold.

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