Thoughts In A&E

30 03 2013

I’m laying on a bed in a local A&E. Why? Because it’s more comfortable than sitting on it. Why A&E? Because I did the responsible thing and phoned a medical advice line who were very insistent that I get checked out.

Being questioned by a doctor is fun because I answer till I get bored and cut to the chase, asking what the point is. I don’t do well with litanies of questions so I prefer to know what the point is.

As things stand I get to see the crisis team, or TUF (the useless fuckers) as I randomly named them. See, it works on at least two levels, naming them aptly, and giving you an idea of response to request for adequate care.

My main thought, one which has been with me for quite a few hours now, is that I experienced a moment of true happiness yesterday, and I won’t get it again. Yes, abusing meds and alcohol is rarely a good idea, but I can’t tell you how happy I was when the two kicked in together and I felt disconnected from my body.

The thought of not having that happiness again has made me cry. I don’t cry now partly because I’m in public and so I am a lot more locked down, and partly because I think I’ve come to accept that it won’t happen again.

Was it The Bard who said ‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all’? Little solace but you take what you can I guess. Shame my subconscious decided to take over and fuck things up, there was always hope I could get more diazepam and maybe repeat the experience, get that happiness again. That moment of bliss.

*sigh* We’ll just have to wait and see what happens. To the key questions, “Would I do it again?” (as in go for the kill), and “What triggered it?”, I answered honestly – I don’t know. Part of me really wants me dead, the rest of me is apathetic either way. Begs the question of why I’ve been pushing myself to be more sociable and make connections, and even look at forming relationships.

Again we find ourselves at those magical three words – I don’t know.

What more can I say? Well, I haven’t eaten for over a day, at least 36hrs and counting. Just don’t want to. Guess my thoughts of self destruction have gone that far. Just drinking water. Stupid I know but it is what it is.

Will update when crisis/TUF have been seen and there’s any news of import

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