Who Am I?

4 04 2013

If there’s one thing my last bid at suicide taught me, it’s that my subconscious has a mind of it’s own. To be fair, I’ve known this for a while but I’ve never talked about it.

When I was young, I remember having the occasional blank spot in my memory. I remember my mum having a go at me because I hadn’t done what I’d agreed to do even though I had no recollection of it.

Later on in life, girlfriends would tell me about how I could be wide awake and able to hold articulate conversation. I had no recollection of this because as far as I was aware, I had been asleep.

Whenever things happen to me, I tend to have a delayed reaction. Thoughts will bubble up from under the surface and I have to work hard to figure out what the cause of them is, as exampled by my anxiety.

I have a theory. I may be repressing another part of me. That doesn’t mean I have another personality, more what you see is a heavily edited version of me. Sort of a PG version of an 18 rated me. When drunk I’ve been told that I don’t act drunk, even though I feel intoxicated.

What, just to get to the point, the fuck is wrong with me? I… I’m at a loss for words. The cards are on the table, can someone tell me what they mean?

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