Rambling Again

15 04 2013

Laying here in the dark, it dawns on me that I’m alive and about to start another week. I… *sigh* my thoughts are dark, not much different from yesterday which required alcohol. Want to drink before work. Badly want to drink and hope it helps lift me up enough.

I’m distancing myself from friends, partly because I believe they know where my head is at and they don’t want anything to do with it, partly because I don’t want to burden them with all the bullshit inside me.

I’m such a shit mental. Not a surprise really, shit at most things. My ideas from days before, the creative/productive ones, pop into my head, and all I get is dread and anxiety at the thought of trying to complete them. I know I’ll fail, I always do. Self fulfilling prophecy? Probably, but there’s more than a hint of truth behind it.

Watching time pass as I write this, seeing the ebb of minutes… I don’t want to kill myself but I sure as hell don’t want to live/exist. I just wish my heart would stop.

Don’t worry about me, I know all this is rubbish, I just need to let out what’s inside. ‘m trying to cope like a good boy, not bottle things up like I did in the past. I cry because I can’t help it. Maybe I need to. I’m so fucking personality disordered is all I can think, unfit to cope with… life, with relationships, with friendships, with myself.

Strong desire to self harm with a hope for brain damage. I’d be happier then, unable to think the way I do. Stupid thought but it’s just there.

Want to hug someone specific but they’re too far away, and I don’t think they’d want me to anyway.

Next bit may get confusing but it’s only way I can express it.

(don’t) Want to see doctor. (don’t) Want to get diazepam and fuck myself up again. Just want (need) to curl up inside myself and… I don’t know.

Again, sorry to pollute your day with this mental diarrhoea. Just… just… I don’t know

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