Another Plot Twist

30 04 2013

You remember that post where I put my plan out there for all to see? Don’t worry if you don’t, it wasn’t exactly thrilling reading. Funnily enough, between writing that and this I had an epiphany. I need to write and think about that epiphany so I can digest it properly. Fancy coming along for the ride?

The crux of the whole deal is this;

Do I want to continue to commit to the plan, or do I want to try pursuing something I never thought would ever happen – a (possibly) happy life?

To put this into context, for the past 23 years, I’ve desperately wanted the universe to open up and remove me from existence. My self loathing is quite pervasive. The plan gave me another target to head to in order to justify ending my life. No, it doesn’t make sense, but that’s the way it works.

And now…. something happened which has actually made me question this path. Now I’m sat here typing this and thinking, with a huge degree of trepidation, that there could be something more to this so called life.

In all honesty, it’s freaking me the fuck out!

So… right now I’m having to try and play it relatively cool because it feels like I’m hunting wabbits. Yeah, I went Elmer Fudd on it because I feel a bit like him. Not the speech impediment or the suspicious outfits, more the murderous intent towards annoyances and the over eager nature that sometimes leads him astray.

It’s this over eagerness which may jeopardise things, I don’t want to dive in and scatter the possibilities. That’s proving bloody difficult to keep from happening at the moment because… when you see something you really want through long grass, it’s hard to resist the urge to pounce tigger style.

*sigh* I’m fully prepared for things to go completely sideways on me, in fact I’d be surprised if they didn’t. Don’t want them to, it’d be nice if they didn’t, but I’m too much of a pessimist to think they won’t.

Sod it, I have a lot of thinking to do, and see if what it is I really want/would like if that’s alright with the universe.



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