Sifting Through The Rubble

28 05 2013

It’s Tuesday night and I’m laying in bed with my brain going pretty fast. My subconscious is being a bit of an arsehole so I’m writing this in an effort to let it get the thoughts out.

The past few days have been… well, truth be told, they’ve left me reeling. There have been a couple of shifts in things that have left me unsettled, and I’ve come to realise a couple of things.

Now I’m going to let my subconscious have a run at it. Please note, this is just what it is thinking, I’m not editing at all.

“Not good enough. Neever have been never will be. Am just broken. Might be fixed but too costly. Am not safe. Am not capable of coping. Am not… human. Am a freak. Just not right n prob never will be. Hate this. Don’t… Can’t exist anymore. Too much. Confusing things. Complicated where shouldn’t be. Life not for me. Don’t wanna be here anymore. Need it to stop.”

*break inserted as needed to calm subconscious down, got too noisey*

“Am not living. Don’t think can ever live. Hurts too much to survive. Sorry for pain. Sorry for shit. Hope too high. Fall too far. Am… Dunno. Dunno. Don’t… know.”

Had to stop it there and talk to it as the plot had been lost. I know it’s crying, I know it wants hugs, had to explain that there won’t be hugs, there won’t be comfort, that we have survived before. I promised if it hangs on, there are a couple of things that might make it a little better.

I know it’s a little strange for me to be addressing my subconscious in this way, but I’m kinda out of ideas to calm things down. No, I don’t have a separate personality, maybe a suppressed one but not separate.

Gonna try sleeping now as it’s subsided and I’m starting to feel tired.



2 responses

29 05 2013
Rachael C. Black

What a wonderful idea, addressing your subconscious. Need to try this instead of listening to ‘the committee’ in my head.
Think we’re on the same page tonight. Feeling broken, unloved and hopeless.
Yes it will change, you will feel better again. It just sucks that neither we, nor our subconscious, can arrange the train schedule -grin-.
Hugs to you Null. Some day maybe we’ll sit over a cup of coffee and plot our overthrow of the ‘normal’ people, government people and others without empathy who can’t even place a call to their conscience, nevermind sub-conscious.
Sleep well.

1 06 2013

Eww, coffee, I’ll be drinking tea…. or cider…. or wine. But yeah, we shall do 🙂 I’m actually hoping to attend the Burn next year.

As for the rest, it’s always scheduling conflicts, government departments would be impressed at the level of in-fighting in our heads, grannies would be amazed at how well we back seat drive our own minds…. ok, I’m stuck for comparissons now, but you get the point

Much love x

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