Need Moar Sleep

31 05 2013

Urgh, this not sleeping well lark is no fun. I’ve had four hours and, whilst I would love to have more, I find myself distracted by…. well, lots of things really. So here I am, blogging. This should be fun. Why fun? Well…

My mood is doing a passable Bambi on ice impression (generally keeps skittering about before crashing) and the thoughts are all over the place. I go from very detailed suicide ideation to being surprisingly horny, including full mental imagery, back to full on suicide ideation.

Ideas keep flicking in and out of my head without any discernable prompt. They bounce around for a while before disappearing only to return some point down the line.

I keep thinking about how I need to sort myself out, get settled where I have my own place, be a good friend like I want to be, all the usual stuff.

Then I think how epically pointless that all is, how failure is all but assured, how I have no idea what I’ll be doing next week let alone a few months or years down the line so why am I planning anything so serious?

It’s all messing with my head. Stupid thing to say. I dunno, it needs to shut the hell up n let me sleep before I do something incredibly dumb.

Or, to put it more succinctly, someone pass me a shotgun!

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2 responses

31 05 2013
nicola

It’s four o’clock in the morning and I’m getting ready for bed I’ve already had 4 hours sleep but could do with another 4 this will happen shortly I get a lot done in the small hours even if it’s just organising my thoughts and urging myself to get back into bed. Suicidal thoughts they are a plenty yet I don’t know why I consider it the easy option, I have too many responsibilities to take such an easy way out, as for sexual urges I wish I think those days are gone menopause has surely set in. I continue to look at my painting I am busy with my sanity my life my colour spot the mistakes and correct them when the paint brush comes out, and of course catch up on twitter and respond to your familiar voice, how stuck we get with our thoughts bad habit if you ask me most people go through life on a difficult journey, I would change mine if I could find a suitable replacement unfortunately probably due to my bipolar I have no yearning to be that someone else, my cross I must bear. Peace comes and goes like the sunshine , but I love the rainbows, all the colours nature gives me all at once, my spirit soars, even if just for a few seconds. Don’t point that thing at me!

1 06 2013
NullFuture

I love the way my brain works, and I’m sure it’s like that thanks to bipolar. I don’t like the infighting, the sketchy times, but like a drug addict, I forgive all the bad for the searing light of that creative spark

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