Make Or Break

2 06 2013

I seem to be on a roll recently with my blogging, whether or not that makes any difference to anyone (including me) is uncertain, but hey, why argue with it? Right now I’ve been thinking (a dangerous hobby) and…

…well… those who know me know that I basically have nothing to live for. The future is a scary ass place that I’m not keen on being a part of for one reason or another.

Exactly why I think this way is uncertain but I know that I feel I’m living life by trial and error, just without the learning aspect.

Yeah, this is probably going to be one of those posts where I go off on tangents, but that’s ok because I need to do it (part of the rules), and you know where the door is if you don’t like it/get bored.

Still here? Really? Ok, strap in/on/around and let’s get this party started.

I have struggled to get any passion back. Driving was always my saviour, but since getting my license back it’s been difficult to get anywhere near that feeling again. Hell, my subconscious got us into trouble by over speeding into a corner I know incredibly well, had a car been coming the other way…. not a fun situation.

But…

I have an idea. You see, I’m going to get a new car. A faster car. A better car. And then I’m going to drive. A lot. For no purpose other than to enjoy driving once more.

My head and my heart have been torn apart, and if this idea doesn’t work then I might as well tear my body apart because I have to live for me. I want that feeling back where you drive for miles because… just because it feels good. Where you buy shedloads of music because it feels right to drive to, even though you know sometimes you just want to hear the sound of the engine.

Only with that feeling will I know I’m alive, and then maybe I’ll want a future, because right now it feels like I’m lurching from fuck up to fuck up. I’m wasting life merely existing so why not make or break myself this way.

What have I got to lose that I’m not risking by just existing? Friends, family, friends I consider family, everything that’s worthwhile, I’m doing this for them, but I’m doing this most of all for me.

To end, here’s some driving music

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4 responses

2 06 2013
Lottie

Oh how I miss driving, just getting in the car tunes on loud and zooming along. I do hope you find your “thing” again and that maybe a new car will ignite that passion.

BTW i love this song šŸ™‚
Much love xx

2 06 2013
NullFuture

Thanks šŸ™‚ xx

3 06 2013
Rachael C. Black

Rock on my friend. I’d give anything NOt to drive. Growing up in Los Angeles kinda makes that a physiological impossibility. something the water.
Good to see you writing.
Let me know if I have to get out there and whip you into shape one of these days.That’s be a switch -bada bing-
xoxo

3 06 2013
NullFuture

As I say to cheeky ones “Yeah, let’s see how far that gets you” šŸ˜‰

Thanks for your words x

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