From The Mind of Meh

10 07 2013

Let’s set the scene. Nothing amazing or scary has happened in the past few days. Pressure from work is normal, still putting off things I should do for insurance, but I’ll get it done. Life is… relatively normal.

Then I put on my work boots this morning and the anxiety kicks in.

In the past 20 minutes it’s ramped up a fair amount and I have no idea why. There’s no obvious reason why it’s started or why it’s increased.

In retrospect, I guess I should’ve guessed this was coming as yesterday I replied to a friend’s “How are you?” with “Something feels off kilter in my head”. Didn’t explain it to her, but I can explain it now.

Do you care? In general I mean, do you give a damn? It’s what makes us human in some respects, that spark of empathy which means we connect somehow. As long term readers of this blog (in theory there are some, although why bemuses me) know, I have difficulty with empathy, it exists in me but it doesn’t come easy.

That last sentence may come as a surprise to some as it’s me admitting to having a modicum of empathy, but you know what they say – You never know what you have till it’s gone. My empathy is turning/has turned to apathy. I’m struggling to give a shit. Cerebrally, I do care, but this is like a computer giving a damn, it’s a pure logic exercise weighing up pros and cons to reach a conclusion. There isn’t any feeling. And when I say exercise, I mean it because it is takes effort to figure things out, whereas with feelings it just flows.

So, if you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s not because I don’t care per se, it’s because I’ve lost sight of what’s important to me. There may be odd behavior at times too, but I can’t really quantify it more than that.

*sigh* Being mental sucks sometimes.

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