28 07 2013

Words are hard to use. Constructing coherent sentences is even harder. Being able to string all this together with the usual back and forth of interaction labelled ‘conversation’ is nigh on impossible. Though I tell myself not to conform to societal expectations, can’t help thinking this is a bloody silly situation for an (allegedly) intelligent man to be in. Yet here I am.

I wish I wasn’t in this situation, I wish I wasn’t here full stop. Yes, the thoughts have gone that way. At first I dismissed it as an attention seeking thing, and nothing has shaken that, but it has evolved. Initially it was an almost childish desire to be noticed, but that quickly dissolved into a genuine thought stream treading those familiar boards of the house of ‘I really don’t know why I exist’.

I want to go dark, isolate myself, something I struggle to do as I’m an attention seeking slut. There are very very few people I would actually be ok talking to in times like this, the vast majority of whom are on Twitter.

I dunno. Seems that when I could do with help, I isolate, by the time I ask for help I’m so far gone I wouldn’t know what I was doing, or I’m too well to benefit from/be eligible for it.

This is NOT a call for help! Seriously, no platitudinous comments or I’ll delete them. I just…. just want the thoughts out, and this is the only place, aside from Twitter, that I can do it.

What now? More alcohol, more Lana Del Rey, more chocolate, more me just being me.



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