The Doldrums of Existence

20 10 2013

How can I respect anyone else when I don’t respect myself?

This question popped into my head as I was (still am, at time of writing) in a period of self destruction. It caused me to pause and consider things. Do I respect myself? Hmm, no, not really. I do things to myself because I don’t value myself. But does that influence my respect of others? Perhaps not the best person to ask, but I’d have to say it has a negligible effect.

As thoughts are wont, things flowed into the question:

“If I don’t respect myself, how will I ever be respected in any way?”

Part of me says “Who cares”, but when I think about it a little more… it appears intrinsically linked to getting nearer to those heady plateaus of getting things I actually want. As much fun as loathing myself for being myself is, it’s not exactly where I want to be. This in itself causes me harm as I have a healthy fantasy life which leads into me making questionable decisions based on unreasonable logic, and that just opens up a big can of Why The Fuck Did I Do That (TM), all in the desperate attempt to move forward in some way.

*sigh* Revelations and epiphanies are all well and good but in themselves do nothing except expose reality. Are they of any use, or would it just be better to live in ignorance? The common denominator with regards to my failures is me. Either I act too fast (hello fantasy life) or not at all, rarely is there considered action.

One plus side is that I’m far more likely to ask for help, something I’ve always been abysmal at. Thing is that I don’t know what I want help for, kinda hard to help when there’s no goal/target.

So yes, I’m adrift on the seas of existence with a vague idea of where I want to be but no course to follow. This has GOT to change somehow. Maybe it’s time to just strike out in any direction and see where that gets me. After all, as anyone that’s been stuck in a traffic jam will atest, movement in any direction is preferable to being static with no sign of movement.



One response

21 10 2013
jermec (@jermec)

What the hell, strike out swimming so you don’t drown. Try to snag an albatross to hang on to. You might get lucky and find a Russian gas drill – board and lodging in Moscow for 20 years.

By the way, I like Why The Fuck Did I Do That (TM). To be filed alongside Why Didn’t I Keep My Fucking Trap Shut? (Also TM)

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