Awake Too Early

26 10 2013

Because…. I am. No, I’m not happy about it because I’m genuinely in a bad mood and this kinda shit means I end up thinking way waaaaay too much about…. everything. Be warned, I may rant, I probably will swear copiously, so if you want a happy time with a positive vibe, you might as well move onto something else.

It’s about half four in the morning and I’ve been up for about an hour now. My mind keeps doing this thing where my subconscious runs through things and so weird thoughts are bubbling up. My conscious is being led a bit, as if it wants to hang out with the cool kid by agreeing with him/her, which is a curious thing as I know it may end up with erroneous thoughts going on. So… screw it, let’s run with it and see what happens.

Maybe I should get ‘CUNT’ tattooed on my forehead so that people could be certain as to what I am and treat me accordingly. To be honest, I think this is borne out of a multitude of things, primarily misunderstanding of motives from both ends, and my epic social ineptitude (or should that be naivety?).

Ah fuck it, shitty thoughts of hanging myself. Guess the subconscious is running with it and delving into that happy period of utter self loathing that’s a cornerstone of whatever I am.

Anyway, continuing…. I… am surprise to people in many ways because I’m not quite what they thought. You see, I like sex, a lot, like huge amounts, and can talk about sex incessantly. This means I’m a horny bastard right? Sort of, but not really. I use sex badly, very badly (no, I don’t mean the while kink side, trust me, that’s a very good thing), it’s… I dunno, maybe it’s a way for me to get close to people. As such, I tend to have the same experience time and time again. People I screw get clingy. I just want to be friends, they want more, I get put off. Why can’t this shit be easier? One thing I think we can be in agreement on, my subconscious and I, is that as much as the idea of a long term emotional relationship appeals, we just aren’t cut out for it at the moment, if ever (no, that does not give me a happy, but shit happens).

Ho hum, guess I’m just wired for being a fuck buddy/friend with benefits, and it’s something I’m comfortable with as yes, I has experience in this area, many years of. No, not boasting because who would be impressed by that? I’m more stating fact. It is who I am.

Venting has helped so far, but I think part of the problem is that I am going through a bit of a stressful time, self imposed admittedly, but then when isn’t looking for a place to live stressful? Yup, I’m flying the nest… again because let’s face it, living with my parents has never been a barrel of laughs, considering I’m coming up to 37, it’s so far past a joke that we’re approaching humour from the other side. Ho hum, we’ll see how it goes.

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