Countdown To Destruction

3 11 2013

I certainly know how to have fun, here I am, it’s about lunch time on a Sunday, and I’m halfway through a bottle of Veuve Cliquot’s finest brut. Why? Because fuck life, that’s why. Yeah, it’s like that right now because…. I don’t know… it just is I guess.

So, starting to get inebriated now, a good thing because my brain is a fucked up place to be at the moment, so I figure the less time I spend there the better. Been shopping, smoking to give me that nicotine buzz, all whilst listening to music at a volume my phone believes will be detrimental to my hearing (it is and I don’t care, it’s rarely loud enough).

Right now, I’m going to insert one of the tracks which I’ve been listening to at high volume because it’s teh awesomeness.

Love that one, seriously love that. If you want to follow that with anything then I suggest…

But I digress.

I was walking along looking all bad ass ( yeah, a few girls had noticed me in that way) with a nicotine buzz phasing my inputs, music on loud, my knuckles dragging along a stone wall because… the sensation, the reality of it… I don’t know, it just felt right to do it. My head full of thoughts of my own destruction, something I wish to do in the most violent, public fashion because… why the hell not. Having said that, hanging myself is still the most prevalent thought going through my head (yes, even as I type this I can visualise the tightening of the ligature, the blood pounding through my brain much like the thoughts I have time and time and time and time again).

You see, I’ve gone dark. This doesn’t mean my thoughts are dark…. ok, they are, but that’s not the point. I’m not saying things online aside from this post because I know that no matter what I do it’s going to go bad because I’m in that self destructive phase. Been able to delay it somewhat but it has finally landed, folding in its wings, and sits there brooding…. or calculating, hard to know the difference most of the time.

Much as I love my friends (I really do, I mean hell, if you’ve managed to get past the intense security walls enough for me to open up, then you know you’re my friend and I would do virtually anything for you), I can only do so much…. and I fucking loathe that, wish I could do everything they need. But I’m crashing and I don’t want to take them down too.

So I go dark.

It fucking sucks. For some reason I’m reminded of this…

Kill me now. Seriously, something take me out of this world I have no ability to deal with. I struggle to be the person I set myself up to be, yet I can’t be anything else.

What do you want? Family I guess. Watch this, the music is great, but the video tells a story that’s true and shows that family isn’t necessarily who you’re related to.

Seriously, how fucking awesome is that? Demonstrates my point completely. Course there’s always this to add to it in order to modulate what I mean, the sentiments expressed at the end is spot on (try to ignore the incredibly obvious product placement).

True beauty.

By the way, relevance may become apparent, but I’m on the second bottle of VC.

So where does this leave me? As an alcoholic with a rather expensive bar tab (Veuve Cliquot retails about £36.99/$58.99, double that if you’re in a pub/club)? As a man wearing body armour (yes, I really am, British military issue as it happens)? As someone out of control (quite probable, I am a lightweight when it comes to alcohol)? Who knows, but its probably best if I stay dark for the the being, that means no expectations, no… life because a life is more than I deserve at the moment, more than I want if I’m honest (can I just note the surrealness/ity of typing when you know the words but have  no conscious control over where your fingers go on the keyboard).

What else can I say? I’m going to drink till I don’t want to drink no more, or until someone headshots me. To my friends, you probably have  no idea how much  I would sacrifice for you, what I would do for you, because you DO deserve it.

I’m out, time to throw up or sleep. Before that, it would be remiss of me to not include this, having shamelessly appropriated it’s title (with a little adjustment of course)

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