Tis The Season

22 11 2013

I’m not coping terribly well at the moment. The thoughts are reaching a pain threshold and I don’t know what to do. I.. *sigh* maybe breaking it down will help.

I’m doing very adult things at the moment, got my own place, even signed up for a pension. Unfortunately we’re also heading into the dark period of the year. By that I don’t mean the nights drawing in, more the whole Xmas thing, plus that anniversary of my arrival on this spinning rock.

The former of these makes me wish I had more friends or, more poignantly, that I was far better with the (very few) friends I do have. Thing is, dumb as it may seem, I don’t wish to impose on them. I guess it’s because my self esteem has been so low for so long, whilst I’m happy in their company, I can’t see why I’d fit into their lives. Hell, think even my very tolerant best friend is losing patience with me (although I could be imagining that thanks to the fun way my brain works).

Don’t suppose me being a negative person helps. Can’t help it. Although, bizarrely enough, it does have an up side, namely I see the good stuff as it truly is. Does that make sense? Probably not.

Anyway, the latter of those things I was on about… I didn’t think (want?) to reach 35. Yet here I am 2 years later. The reason I’m still alive is not because I found a reason to live, but because I’m too much of a wimp/idiot to kill myself. What more can I say that you can’t infer from that?

Maybe I need to drink more, self medicate till I’m able to cope more… or sleep through the lonely hours of each and every day. Actually sounds like a good idea right now. Wine time, see you on the flip side.



One response

22 11 2013

(((hugs))) Sorry you are feeling so shit, Christmas is shit isn’t it, the annual anniversary thing is also shit.

Much love xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: