Tis The Season

22 11 2013

I’m not coping terribly well at the moment. The thoughts are reaching a pain threshold and I don’t know what to do. I.. *sigh* maybe breaking it down will help.

I’m doing very adult things at the moment, got my own place, even signed up for a pension. Unfortunately we’re also heading into the dark period of the year. By that I don’t mean the nights drawing in, more the whole Xmas thing, plus that anniversary of my arrival on this spinning rock.

The former of these makes me wish I had more friends or, more poignantly, that I was far better with the (very few) friends I do have. Thing is, dumb as it may seem, I don’t wish to impose on them. I guess it’s because my self esteem has been so low for so long, whilst I’m happy in their company, I can’t see why I’d fit into their lives. Hell, think even my very tolerant best friend is losing patience with me (although I could be imagining that thanks to the fun way my brain works).

Don’t suppose me being a negative person helps. Can’t help it. Although, bizarrely enough, it does have an up side, namely I see the good stuff as it truly is. Does that make sense? Probably not.

Anyway, the latter of those things I was on about… I didn’t think (want?) to reach 35. Yet here I am 2 years later. The reason I’m still alive is not because I found a reason to live, but because I’m too much of a wimp/idiot to kill myself. What more can I say that you can’t infer from that?

Maybe I need to drink more, self medicate till I’m able to cope more… or sleep through the lonely hours of each and every day. Actually sounds like a good idea right now. Wine time, see you on the flip side.

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One response

22 11 2013
Lottie

(((hugs))) Sorry you are feeling so shit, Christmas is shit isn’t it, the annual anniversary thing is also shit.

Much love xxx

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