Cast Away

31 12 2013

I feel… a little adrift, as if my mind is floating away from the shores of reality. I don’t know why but that’s the way it feels.

Part of my problem is that I’m not sleeping right, no surprise there, we all know that feeling. I get tired, I’m ready for sleep, then I’m still awake a few hours later wondering why.

A thought just popped into my head – why am I so disconnected from the thoughts that make me feel the way I do? It’s like there’s a built in delay before my conscious mind twigs to the connection between cause and effect. Bit galling when you can spot cause and effect in anything else pretty quickly, sometimes before the effect has happened.

This isn’t really relevant to the feeling adrift, it was just a random thought.

My adrift feeling is like sinking in water, looking up at the surface. Not sure whether the twinges of anxiety are related to the childhood memory of drowning, or are just panicky feelings thrusting forward because I’m drifting away, losing touch.

I want to sleep, maybe hope more than want, but at the same time I’m trying to convince myself to stay awake and just keep going. Don’t know why. Just… maybe sleep is scarier than consciousness. Can I trust me in REM? Is it really me? Am I an infection of myself?

Sense may not be exactly my forte at the moment but I’m virtually dribbling, pebble dashing the porcelain bowel of the online psyche, so does it really matter?

Why the hell am I doing all the normal things? Why do I have ideas? Plans to create. Why am I existing in this fucked up thing I laughing call a life

Verbosity won’t help, and, to be brutally honest, will the echo of the internet bring me anything that will make sense? Who knows. More relevant, will I be in any state to decide if it makes sense?

Life is painful, I don’t know if I ever was built to cope with the world.

I know I’m my own worst enemy. Too weak for some parts, too strong to let the weakness not get to me.

I don’t know, think maybe once I did but now… does it matter? Relevance and is not my strong point



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