Extended Tweeter

1 01 2014

There’s only so much that can be said in 140 characters, so whilst I’d normally head to Twitter to scream into the ether, it’s here that this will take place. *Avoid if you want to stay happy*

I never question my sanity, why question what you don’t have? I do question my existence, something that I have yet am constantly surprised at.

If you look at the surface, I have a home, I have a job, I have a car, I have friends. But the surface never tells the whole story.

I’m a cunt. Don’t care if you detest that word or not, as a descriptor of me it’s accurate. There’s probably reason to explain myself in this instance but I’m going to save that for another time.

*sigh* Once again it’s apparent that I’m not coping. Don’t really have anyone I feel I can talk to at the moment, nobody to curl up with and feel safe/protected with no need for words, where the tears won’t sting so much. Keeping a veil of normality whilst out and about today was hard, had to keep shouting at myself through gritted teeth to hold it together, right up to the front door.

Bad thoughts are abound, the door eyed up, the cord stroked. I know all the things I have and I… it’s hard to describe. Maybe it’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the universe to suddenly go “Wait a second, that’s not right” and rearrange things so it all collapses, leaving me with what I deserve. A bit melodramatic but I can’t think… much else.

All in all, I don’t know how I can keep up any version of coping in order to keep this unexpected reality afloat. I just…. I…. *sigh* I don’t know, never have n probably never will

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