Waking And Reviewing

4 01 2014

So I wake from my reverie, fuzziness slowly dissipating, reality and my consciousness eyeing each other up like strangers across a crowded room, moving together slowly. An hour in and everything is going well… but… the cracks appear… you know how it is.

Wish I knew why I was getting hits of anxiety at random times, especially as harsh as they’ve been. Yesterday was extremely difficult, fortunately I was isolated at work so the moments when they hit and I couldn’t quite hide the burst of emotion were hidden.

At home, alcohol and sleep helped stem the tide a bit but anyone observing my behaviour would be in no doubt I was, to be totally honest, totally fruit loops. It was weird, kinda like I had regressed to the point where I was trying to function but unable to do it in an adult way. Talking to myself (don’t you?) became difficult, with words not forming right or not at all depending on complexity (of those last three words, only ‘on’ could have been said). There was other, stranger, behavior which I’m not going into, it wasn’t NSFW or anything, just too varied to detail. All in all it was hard.

Today… the undercurrent of anxiety has been building, but the big hits have been manageable. Still no clue as to why it’s happening because, as ever, my subconscious and I aren’t talking. Yeah, still feels weird talking about them as if they’re completely disparate entities inhabiting the same body, but it’s the only way I can logically understand it.

If the anxiety keeps coming back like yesterday then I’m seeing my GP, don’t think they’ll be able to do anything but you never know unless you try.

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