Continued Fun

‘Writing seems to help so I might as well do some more.

I feel, I dunno, annoyed that my leave went so badly wrong, I didn’t expect an easy ride as I knew about Bob before it was granted. However, I honestly believed that I was better, not cured but at least given the chance to work at it. It felt good not thinking that everyone, not just myself, would be better off in the long run if I weren’t here. Now that I’m back into that way of thinking it’s hard not to believe that someone or something is conspiring against me to keep me from getting better. Rationally it’s a bloody stupid thought but then I’m not famed for my rational thought.

It’s been a heavy blow to me to have this setback but almost as bad is not knowing how much it has set me back. The true extent of the damage will only be revealled after some time has passed which in itself is a depressing prospect. It’s a cliché to say ‘I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was an oncoming train’ but then clichés only become clichés by being the best way to describe something.

My thinking had been that if my leave went well, and why wouldn’t it, then I’d be discharged before the end of the week and be ok to resume normal life whilst working on my issues so that I could come off meds. That might sound optomistic but then that’s how I felt. I knew it wouldn’t be an easy ride as I haven’t had one yet, but I believed that I could weather the problems like I had so many times before. That feeling of hope and optomism is still in my head but now only as a memory, almost like a daydream that tries to escape, you don’t want to lose it, you try your damndest to keep it alive but its entropy takes it further away.

They say time is a great healer, which is true (remember what I said about clichés) as that’s why I sleep when depressed, yes it’s avoidance but then usually I can wake up with my mind better prepared to tackle the issue. Anyway, perhaps all I need is a bit of time before I’m back to that optomism but at the moment I just feel I’ve had lots of time already and I’m no further along.

Ah well, tomorrow, at least in the metaphorical sense as it’s about quarter past five in the morning, is another day, lets see what it brings. I now either need sleep or something to eat… or both although not in that order.’

Next: Understanding
Previous: My Crisis Part 1

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