Understanding

‘It’s hard to get those who’ve never experienced depression to understand the thought processes which occur. Try to think of it as listening to a scratched record which is stuck saying something along the lines of “You’re shit”. Of course you want to change the tune but the player is in a sealed box which you can rage against eyt you’re unable to do anything that’ll actually make a difference. Sometimes something will happen and the player will stop or change tune, you don’t forget the scratched bit but you can ignore it and get on with life. Then it starts again. Any strength gained from the respite soon leaves you, and over time, depending on the person, your spirit is broken and you’ll do whatever it takes to make it stop.

For some this means they’ll ask for help, for others there’s self harm, the brilliant glare of pain blocking out the bad thoughts as if your mind has emerged from a dark room into the full power of the sun, giving even just a moment of relief. And for the rest, death is the only way out from the mental torture because that’s what it is. Torture. An interogation technique is to sit someone down in a room, switch on a TV and then leave them listening to the white noise. It’s only a matter of time before the person breaks and when they do it’s TV off and lots of questions from serious people.

So yeah, this is a form of mental torture except there’s no-one to turn off the TV or change the tune. There’s no way out apart from death, there’s only the ways to cope and the strength of the persons will between them and either a wooden box or a padded room being spoon fed soup as your brain can’t handle something as complex as chewing.’

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One response

27 12 2011
dennis

i know mental torture. i have done some bad things in my life. i have never wanted to hurt anyone but recently i did. i did not kill anyone but i came close to it. because of this i have lost my job, my place to live, all of my money, most of my freedom, and now i have these racing thoughts that wont stop. it truly is a living hell. i dont have the mental capabilities to work anymore even if someone would hire me. i am going to live with my mom in a few days because i have no one else to live with but i know one day i will wind up homeless. i need to get the guts to kill myself. i could never have imagined this much anguish

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